Untangling the mysteries of life...

Ever feel this fearless?

I watched an amazing movie this afternoon.  Amazing movies inspire me to do great things.  The movie evoked emotions in me that made me feel powerful.  When I get the feeling I can do anything, over come any obstacle, climb every mountain I have to write it down.

Unfortunately, my default emotion seems to be a bit opposite of "can do." and more like, "that would be great  but here are a million reasons why I can't"

I am kind of living my life backwards.  Instead of starting a business, a hard business, when I was young, eager and really healthy.  I am starting a business as an-almost-senior-citizen with a bad knee and a worse attitude.  Instead of saying, "so what?" I say, "why?"

Why am I doing this?  Why?

The answer to that is simple, we are unemployable-recession-victim-folks with no other options.

So in the words of my uncle when I was afraid to give the eulogy at my mother's funeral..."Donna, get on out there, you are made of better stuff."  Or as my Aunt would say..."Donna get out the butt-kicking machine and get it done."  Tough folks.

The movie I watched today was called "Freedom Writers".  As a person in love with words it really struck a cord.  Their stories told in their words gave them freedom.  They thought no one understood their lives on the streets with drugs and gangs until one teacher showed them a better way.  First she taught them about the holocaust and the biggest gang in the world, and how it started.  The pattern was the same...and they began to see, little by little that other people had problems, terrible problems.  But  they still prevailed.  And so could they, and they did.

Sometimes we see our problems as obstacles we cannot get around.  We need to jump on top of those problems and look around.  From that vantage point we can see what others are going through.

We can:

1.) See we are not alone, the negative voices in your head will always tell you, it is just you - you are the only one with this problem.  For years I thought we were the only ones in the country with money problems.  That's right, all those commercials on TV about mortgage problems were made just for me.  All the self help books in the library?  That's right, written just for me.  No one else needed them.  Being alone with failure is a bad place to be.

2.) See how other people handle their problems.  There aren't a lot of different solutions to problems, it's usually pretty simple...we need to see ones that will help us.

3.) Be an example of success... to show folks not to give up.

For four years I was in charge of about 160 women in my ward (parish, local church, ashram).  It was my stewardship to give them hope and encouragement through illness, marital problems, children problems and financial problems.  I found most situations fell in among those four areas.  I sat with them as they cried and told me there was no hope, no way out, no solution....but if I could get their attention, have them hold their fear at bay.....some could see solutions.  Doors would open, faith once tried was strengthened, and that problem became a strong place in their life going forward.  Facing fear straight on is not a cliche.  I wanted them to grab fear by the lapels.  If they let fear rule their lives, they stayed in the same place, feeling the same negative emotions over and over again.  You have to let go of the side of life's pool and just swim.  It isn't easy to let go... I know because I was not willing to let go for a long, long time.  Going through my head was the well rehearsed negative speak I was great at.

You can't do it

You are too old

What makes you think you know enough to do that?  Who would ever hire you?

Just give up.....don't even try.

A friend would tell me if the voices in your head give you peace then it is truth...If the voices make you anxious or afraid, then it isn't true, it is just a thought and thoughts aren't real.  None of those thoughts ever gave me peace, so I replaced all of them with these;

I can do it.

Since I am older I will be strengthened.  

If I don't know then I will find the solution.

The Lord (universe, higher power) wants me to be a success.  Think about that, the Lord, universe, higher power wants you to be a success!!

And you know what?  I started to feel peace.

There is a dove on my lanai who sits on her eggs no matter what.  She is driven by some intangible instinct to hatch those eggs.   We have had 100 degree heat, 70 mile an hour winds, rain with a few lovely days.  And yet she remains.  There is no doubt about what she is doing to me or to her.  I have not one time wondered if she would still be there.  I know she will,  it has never occurred to me she would give up and fly off and leave those eggs unprotected.  For her failure is not an option.  She puts her obvious fear of humans completely aside to sit on those eggs.  I wondered, "has she ever done this before?  And if so how does she know what to do?"  But she has figured it out and does it...day after day.  And here is her success...

I took a lesson from this sweet bird about overcoming obstacles.

You may have never done it before, so what, do it!

Make a good plan and stay with it....Go BIG!!!

Trust your instincts, trust the light that is in you.

Don't be afraid...no matter how big the dragon (or the human) don't be afraid.

 Had it not been for my time with the women in my ward I never would have been able to see my own insecurities and fears.  I had to confront them in order to start a path to joy.  And they showed me how.  

However it has not been easy.  My default mindspeak is..."give up, sit by the side of the wagon and let the wolves eat you"  and that would be easier.  But growth isn't easy, don't they call it growing pains?

I am living proof that almost-senior-citizens still have growing pains.

Fear be damned....full speed ahead!!

The mistakes bloggers make

Ray Ray's bouquets for Kelly Andrews

I just spent an hour going from blog to blog.  I believe in the high tech world it is called, "Blog hopping."  And ingenious phrase meant to distract you from what you are really doing....which is laboriously going from blog to blog trying to figure out what others are doing that is so compelling causing them to have thousands of followers. Not that I have to have thousands of followers.  I just want to improve what I am doing.

I read "blog mistakes 1-5"  followed by "blog mistakes 6-10".  Nuts....

I found I make every mistake listed.  Including not having a niche.  The logic from that is any readers I may have don't know what to expect from me.  Which immediately begged the question, people are expecting something from me?  Who knew?  Is there an implied contract when you write a blog for some kind of expectation?

Oh my, another pressure for an already packed Monday.

And evidently monkey brain writing is a bad thing.  (Monkey Brain - inability to focus on what you should be doing and indulging on every shiny object that catches your eye).  That's what I do...I am the dog on "Up".  He carries on a conversation and right in the middle he jerks his head around and says, "squirrel!"

I read so many blogs that are labeled, "humorous".  I didn't realize how important labels were.

I read blogs by smart people and a few loons.  I read political blogs, cooking blogs and designing blogs.

One thing I did notice is I rarely pay attention to the ads on the side of the blogs.  Unfortunately I did on one blog.  After reading the post I trusted her, sort of like meeting a new friend.  To support her, I clicked on one of the ads on her page.  Sort of like buying wrapping paper from your friend's child for the school fundraiser.  And guess what?  It was that survey stuff, the quote stuff, the "we will pay you money if you respond stuff"  I foolishly clicked on send.  My name is now in the inbox of every insurance, diabetes and heartburn salesman in America and I will be unsubscribing for days.  I just fielded the first call about the quality of my septic tank.  Oh, my....this might be a day where the phone accidentally falls off the hook.  

Bloggers please refrain from ads with booby traps...we don't like that.  

However not all is lost,  I did come away with some good ideas from my hopping.  Unfortunately I immediately felt I needed to be based in Silicon Valley to implement them.  My background needs to be lighter, information on "about me" should be better.  My issues with the computer are epic and it would be so much easier to let someone else fix it, twist it, or just figure it out. I am a great deal like my grandmother who always said, "I am not afraid of work, I can lay down right next to it and go to sleep."  I admit I am a classic underachiever who has long accepted the fact I need a staff.  People I can happily order about.  People who will solve all my little problems, do the heavy lifting and dust when necessary. 

I day dream about my imaginary staff.  They (that's right, they -I have a substantial number of people on my staff) show up with rakes and shovels when I am doing yard work I don't want to finish with one being an expert with sprinklers.

I imagine they appear with brooms, mops and dust cloths when I don't really want to clean.  My staff installed a new oven and did a lot of ironing, cleaned out my closet and brought in new clothes for my  new size that was achieved by my imaginary staff of nutritionists and personal trainers.

An imaginary masseuse has arrived with a table and oils in hand and gotten that kink right out of my neck.  

My imaginary staff  brought in beautiful wooden shutters for my upstairs windows, new carpet and a whole new paint job for my home.  And a tag along siding guy who fixed the missing piece of siding on my house.

There is nothing wrong with a healthy imagination, no matter how far fetched.  After all William Arthur Ward said, "If you can imagine it, you can achieve it: if you can dream it, you can become it."

Now I am imagining a staff of social media experts who can swoop in and make the necessary changes to the blog and my website.

One change I can't make is removing my monkey brain...I admit it, I follow shiny objects.  If something is interesting to me I want the latitude to write about it...no parameters not a niche.  

One of the best things that has occurred from my blog came quite unexpectedly.  Last week I wrote a personally cathartic piece about my mothers. At the end I put in a line I didn't even think about.  Gratitude gives forgiveness a place to grow.  Right after I put the blog out my good friend and neighbor, Claudia, added that little phrase to a picture and put it on my facebook page.  It came out like this...

An amazing gift because I love everything about this picture.  Especially that the flower is blooming right where it is planted, against all possible odds, just like all of us.  

So here's to a day of blooming my friends.  No matter the odds...no matter the obstacles.  Go and be the person you want to be.

Thank you Claudia for the picture, and thank you God for the words.

Life Before Oprah Wasn't Easy

As a mom I know that every woman holds her newborn and utters the same prayer, hope or wish.
"Make me better than I am, help me do a good job, bless this baby in spite of me."

The relationship a mother has with her children can be a complicated one, mine is more a science project.  I had three mothers.

The woman who gave birth to me - Opal Leigh Jones

The woman who adopted me - Madeline Brown Beckman

The woman who raised me - Jerry Osborne Beckman

Seemingly, these women have nothing in common with each other.  All three    different places with different lives.  Yet they are all connected through the eternities by one person, me, Donna Lynn Beckman Tagliaferri.  I find that fascinating, and very mysterious.  All three remain an enigma to me, I Only know what was whispered to me by a random cousin, aunt or family friend.  No one with real knowledge ever sat down with me and explained what in the world was going on.

My young life was "Before Oprah", a time we didn't talk about anything that might be uncomfortable.  Oprah opened up the flood gates to make therapists rich all across the country.  Unless, of course,  you still didn't have the courage to ask hard things, or have relatives with the courage to tell the truth.

I don't know much about my birth mother, Opal Leigh.  In fact until my father died I didn't even know her name.  But in his private papers I found my original birth certificate, and there was her name, Opal Leigh Jones.  I was thrilled to see such a great Texas name because all through my life I lacked identity, but I knew I was from Texas, so that was my identity.  In fact I told my children they were half Italian and half Texan. Looking at her name erased all doubt in my mind about where my people came from.  The only information I gleaned from the birth certificate was she had given me a name.....Patti Jones.  Think of a very young woman doing her best naming me after a popular singer of her day, Patti Page.  It is so sweet and so sad at the same time.   I had been told (by the whisperers) she was 16.  The whisperers also said a family friend had wanted to adopt me.  This friend financially supported Opal through her entire pregnancy but decided they had become too close.  She felt their close relationship could be problematic for a closed adoption, so she told my parents about me.  The one person who really knew Opal never told me anything about her.  Life before Oprah was hard on secrets.  The whisperers told me my father was a professional golfer, they met at the Houston Open and I was born in the Houston Methodist Hospital.  But none of that ever came with any proof.  I have never looked for my biological parents, and to my knowledge they have never looked for me.

Then there was Madeline Brown.  An absolutely beautiful woman who hunted and fished better than the men.  She was the life of the party and could drink anyone under the table.  I belonged to her, she was my mother and despite her problems I never wondered if she loved me.  Drugs and alcohol destroyed my parents marriage.  I still remember their horrible fights right in front of me.  My father at one end of the kitchen Madeline at the other....screaming at each other.  And then one day Madeline packed up all my things and took me to Alaska where her aunt had a business.  She was going to start over I guess, but it didn't last very long.  The whisperers told me her addictions made taking care of me impossible so she traded me to my father for cash.  After I went back to Texas she visited one time that I can remember.  We went to dinner and then she took me to Louisiana to see her family.  That wasn't part of the visit agreement so all hell broke loose when she brought me back.  I never saw her again, my father never talked about her.  Before Oprah you never talked about uncomfortable things.  I wasn't healthy to bring up "such things".  Then one day when I was 8, my dad told me in a very controlled voice that my mother had died and we would never speak of her again.  I spent the next 10 years looking for her because I was never convinced she was really gone.  I didn't know where she died, I still don't.  My frustration was acute because I didnt have anyone to ask.  I saw my grandmother one time while I was high school and I met up with my Aunt Pee Wee after I was married (she was best friends with the woman who took care of Opal Leigh - that's how I ended up with Madeline)  She told me my father had forbid any contact with their family.  I don't know why I didn't ask anything at our brief lunch, but I didn't.  I never found out anything about anything.

Bless our hearts, we had no idea how to handle real family problems before Oprah.

Which brings me to Jerry.  When my father brought me back from Alaska there was a woman in my house.  I thought she was the housekeeper, but my father kissed her when he left for work with no introductions at all.  I figured out right away she wasn't the housekeeper.  I looked at her and she
looked at me and the most complicated and strange mother daughter relationship was born.  She was married to my dad, she wasn't necessarily a step mother.  I never really felt like she was my mother, at least not what I thought a mother and daughter relationship should be like.  I didn't know until I was grown how damaged she was, her past made her incapable of being a mom.  Her father died during the depression and her mother was never able to take care of her so she was raised by aunts.  Good Christian women who loved her, but weren't her mother.  Her brother was taken by the other side of the family, splitting them up.  They didn't reconsile until they were in their fifties.  She had been married 6 times before she met my father and never had children.  Our relationship was doomed before it could even occur.   Oprah never would have allowed this. But since she wasn't around it did occurr until I was about 19.   I was tired of being afraid, so I changed my life, went to college, got married and started my own family.  I reinvented myself, but still struggled with fear, what am I saying I still struggle with fear.  It wasn't until I had children of my own that I realized how hard it is to raise them. Jerry had reasons for treating me as she did, but that doesn't make it easier. 

It is true I didn't have a normal pattern for mothering, but all three moms gave me something
profound.  

Opal gave me life.

Madeline gave me the insight to not drink or use drugs...I saw how it destroyed a very beautiful woman.

And Jerry gave me the ability to take on hard things and do your best no matter how hard it might be.

Against all possible odds the relationship I have with my children is pretty normal.  And I am so grateful for that....

Who knows?  Maybe my moms have been watching over me, helping me break the patterns that could have continued on.  I am grateful for that....

Gratitude gives forgiveness a place to grow, and that is where I want to be.  Thanks Oprah....

We Ain't What We Should Be, We Ain't What We Gonna Be, But At Least We Ain't What We Was

Beauty and the Beast, Frankenstein, Phantom of the Opera, Hunchback of Notre Dame, and every Disney story with a frog in it.  All where the character is perceived one way but is very different on the inside.  And all they want is for their "inside" to be seen and understood.

So today all you hunchbacks, Phantoms and frogs rejoice!  I am freeing all of you to embrace who you are and come out from behind the shadows, take the arrows in the back, and be who you are.

This epiphany comes from a feeling that I have to gloss over who I really am in an effort to reach a more diverse audience.  As soon as you reveal a belief, a political view or a religion you are assigned a certain seat in the room.  You cannot get up from that seat nor are you allowed to change seats, and I find that a little scary.  Will people find out who I am, measure me and find me wanting?  Will they ever read my writing again because they find out?  I love people who are just themselves and are secure in order to defy the labels society attaches.

Oxymorons?  I live for them.  Jumbo Shrimp, Gay Republicans, Skateboarding nuns, Feminist-militant mothers of 12, and the Conservative black caucus.  And me...I am a conservative Christian Mormon.

Are you reading this and making judgements about what I "must" be like?

Not so fast....

I am more zen than Phil Jackson
I have more soul than Aretha
I am "greener" than the green people as we built the first residential wetlands in Nevada (or almost anywhere else) right in our front yard.  Every ounce of water from our home, grey and black, goes through a pvc pipe to a series of rocks, gravel and plants.  When it comes out on the other end to a fifty gallon holding tank, it isn't drinkable, but it so clear...not one environmentalist we contacted had any interest in the amazing thing we did...which was to clean water with a system no more complicated than a science project.
My parents and grandparents had a full on casino in their home in Texas in the 50's and 60's.
My mother was married 7 times.
My husband ran a hotel and casino for 25 years

Did you see that coming?

Stereotypes are not fun, they aren't even clever, it's like opening a clear package, no surprises.  It is so much more fun to find that people have texture and layers, they have different viewpoints and
feelings.  Not every feminist is pro choice, not every poet is moody, and not every football fan is a guy (my dad was also a bookie, I spent weekends writing down scores for every football game on TV - this was old school technology) I am a fan.

Why would anyone surround themselves with people who agree with all of your  political views?  Or philosophical ideas.  So boring.  Don't you love a discourse of ideas?  Not like on TV, that is staged warfare meant to make you run into the dark American night, but a real exchange of ideas that educates and not denigrate.   People have reasons for their views...One of my stepmother's friends died from a botched abortion, because of that she was very pro choice.  My father was a staunch democrat who loved to hunt...he would never let anyone separate him from his guns.  Or any candidate.

Yeah stereotypes are boring....stop thinking folks won't like you because of what you believe, unless of course you are wearing a hood, in that case no one will like you.  And that's a hood, not a hoody.

Just a few other things about conservative me,
I don't hate poor people in fact, I volunteer every week and I give to a fund every month specifically designed to help those in need....in my neighborhood.
I am not a homophobe,
I stand in judgement of no one - even those women who wear white shoes before Easter - or even just white shoes.
I believe woman should have the right to vote (that was a discussion the other day when a conservative Christian mentioned women and voting and they were wondering if conservative Christians thought women shouldn't vote)
I think there is a lot of good in Obamacare, and if everyone had participated in the discussion we might have a really good health care act.  But NEITHER side was interested in that.
I do not think the world was created in 6 - 24 hour days.  I think it took as long as it took, as God is the scientist, and after each creative period it was called a day.  Hey rocks took longer than plants, right?  When I look in the face of a baby, witness the body heal and just look up into the heavens I believe a higher being created us all. And that is just fine, it doesn't make me a member of the flat earth society.

Although my church has taken the high road, I think the Book of Mormon musical is a mockery.  When I saw the opening number on the Tony awards of Mormon missionaries in white short sleeve shirts with name tags on,and listened to the words of the song, I cried and then I got really, really mad.  My daughter and 2 sons served missions, I know how hard it was for them.  The musical is mockery and I will never understand how that is entertainment.  Our president was ready to think an Ambassador was murdered over a stupid video...but "musical of the year" mocking an entire group of people is OK?  My church took out advertisements in the playbill that said, "now that you have seen the musical, read the book"  I didn't find the turn off to that high road.

And my sister-in-law asked me why Mormons couldn't eat chocolate on Sundays.

What?

But the best part is she asked me instead of just believing something odd.  My mother didn't do that, she believed Mormons ravaged virgins in the temple.  I can't even make a joke out of that.

People are different and they are fascinating.  Don't you want to get in a room with an Amish family and ask them how they can be so forgiving?  Don't you want to know how Mother Theresa could work in India all those years under such terrible circumstances?  Aren't you curious what Jehovah Witnesses believe in?  Have you ever tracked game with a native American?  I have, and it was life altering.  The love and respect this friend had toward the animals and plants was inspiring.  I loved
attending a Jewish Seder, nothing is happier than a Sunday in a black Baptist Church....and the orchid club!  Have you seen the face of an orchid club member who finally got a Dendrobian to flower?

When I hear political pundits on TV spew the word liberal, or let the word conservative come out of
their mouths as though it was rotten food, I wonder.... how foolish can they be?  Conservatives want 
to starve children?  Liberals want abortion at 9 months?  The pundits just want to keep you mad and worked up...No.  They want us to hate each other and think the very worst.  So many times people have said to me, "You aren't like any Mormon I have ever met"  When they are really saying, I have never really met a Mormon and you aren't what I thought Mormons would be like.  I say the same thing to them every time.  I point to myself and say, "This is what Mormons look like."  The inspirational thoughts I have at my desk are from everywhere.  Erma Bombeck to Marianne Williamson, Buddha to Groucho Marx...people are wise, they are clever and smart.

Good is good wherever you find it, truth is truth wherever you find it, beauty is beauty wherever you find it...if we have eyes to see it, that is.

These are words from a heartwarming scene in Designing Women a million years ago.  Miss Minnie, a woman dying in the same hospital where Charlene is having a baby.  Miss Minnie was a 100 years old and she spoke eloquently of her life and the 20th Century.  There was one thing she said that stayed with me all this time.

We Ain't What We Should Be,

We Ain't What We Gonna Be,

But At Least, We Ain't What We Was

Just a few things and then I will let you get back to life...

I like stories with a good finish...here's a few finishers and a few finishers with a struggle.

My younger son is finished with college, my daughter is finished with her junior year of college, my other son finished his movie, my older daughter finishes everything, and my husband finished 5 seasons of Mad Men.

Are we finishers, or what?  Well, here's a few more finishers...

When we met last my bank account had been ravaged by an over zealous health insurance provider.  Here is how it went down in case something like this happens to you.

My first move was to scream....by the way, this is only helpful if you are on fire.

Second move was to call the bank and ask for their help, they started an investigation, it will take 10 days.  Yikes!

Then I called the health insurance company.  They immediately disabused themselves of any responsibility, I agreed that of course it was my fault.  I always pay an enormous bill that really isn't my bill.  After all I am still paying $6.95 a month on the off chance I may need to watch a football game from the South Dakota Jackrabbits.  My son's football team played there once and I signed up for a one time only opportunity to watch - silly me, I thought one time only meant one time only.  Bottom line from the note taker at Sierra Health?  30 days.   And If you just want to cause confusion, ask them why.  They don't know why, they only know to say 30 days.

After several more excruciating calls I did finally get the name of the woman who would be issuing the refund.  But she never answered my phone calls, messages or email.  I even faxed her.  Crickets....
I asked the notetaker if I could come by and pick up the check...they won't give out their address.  Is that what I want from my health care provider?  Complete cover?  I am renaming Sierra Health, Stealth Health.

Then a miracle, two days later my money magically reappeared in my account.  I called to thank Sierra Health, they had acted promptly and I was so appreciative I didn't have to go through a whole protracted thing.  But I was only allowed to leave a message...no actual people were involved.
No one called back because they had nothing to do with the money magically reappearing.  It was my bank, they investigated for 4 days instead of 10 realized Sierra Health was wrong and reimbursed my account.  Hooray Wells Fargo!  It was magic....and wonderful that it was finished.

Update on my knee...I have an appointment with an actual doctor May 13th.  I report at 2:30 with the MRI in my hand.  Hoping for a quick fix, a quicker recovery and then back to training for the tough mudder, or 5K, or just walking across a room without pain.

I am looking for the finish line on this knee thing....zero fun.  But then who am I kidding?  Every time I finish anything they move the line, I will never be finished.

And that's just fine....

The Rapper and the MRI

Isn't life a kick?  It astounds me the twists and turns it takes.  

For instance my rapper friend.  What?

It was last christmas and I received a text...just a simple greeting, "Merry Christmas"  I didn't recognize the number but I responded back, "Merry Christmas, I hope Santa was good to you."  The texter sounded a bit sad and said something like his music was going better not great, and hoped 2014 would be a better year.  Money was bad, no gigs.....So I told him to expect miracles and they would happen and didn't think another thing about it.  He sent another text at New Years, just sweet "gangsta" love.   Since then he will text to tell me all the places he is performing, the record contract he signed and when his record would "drop".

Then he said, "Thank you Yoshi, you have been such a good friend.  Everything you said would happen did...thank you, I believe in miracles!"

uh oh......

I felt so guilty I came clean immediately.  I explained I wasn't Yoshi but was very excited for his success and that I meant everything I said about miracles.  I told him I loved hearing about his career and music (how else would I ever know about rappers?)  He was so confused, but then he just said,

"It's all good, who is this anyway?"

I told him I was just a random wrong number that must have been put in his life to remind him miracles occur.  Since then he has sent the link to his concert, showed me the jacket cover for his record and shared his girlfriend problems.  He believes in miracles....and all I did was wish someone a Merry Christmas.....

Which brings me to last Friday when I finally went in for my MRI.  Did I tell you I hurt my knee?  How could you miss that information, I suffer by committee.  If I am in pain everyone is in pain with me.  My threshold for pain is right about here......want to guess how high my hand is above the ground?

The most adorable woman is my MRI master.  Her name is Carla and I liked her immediately.  She explained the procedure and gave me some great earphones.  I requested Billy Joel, she didn't even blink and said she would do her best.  The next 20 minutes sailed by as I rocked out to Billy Joel, Three Dog Night, James Taylor and Fleetwood Mac in my MRI machine!  Fabulous.
When it was over I asked her a million questions about MRI's and  how she came to be the Jedi Master of the radiology department.  Evidently the machine costs 3 million dollars and it takes a long time to learn everything.  The MRI I received was a level 3 so they will be able to tell all my secrets from that scan.  I so hope whatever is wrong with my knee will be easy to fix.  Carla asked me how I hurt my knee and I am embarrassed that I do not have a fun story.  It just hurt, and then it hurt a little more and then a little more and when it got to "Oh s**t" I decided to go to the doctor...she said that was probable a good barometer for seeking medical help.  When you get to "oh s**t" you should go the doctor.

The best part of the whole adventure was after I changed and came back to get a picture with Carla and her magical machine.  We traded some life stories and she told me about a business she had recently started in her spare time.  The total purpose was to make as much money as she could to help her family...especially her mother.  They were financially struggling and she just wanted to help them.  This woman, this adorable woman, was doing everything she could to help other people all the time.  Carla said her favorite thing was buying pancakes at McDonald's in the morning and then buying breakfast for the car behind her!  We found out tons about each other in about 5 minutes, chatted as though we were long lost friends and exchanged phone numbers.  

I left there a better person for having spent time with her.  Inspired to live life better, and grateful to have met her.  

Thanks, life...that one is on you.

You Cannot Get There From Here..... or Can We?

This morning I was faced with a banking/health insurance dilemma.  Just one of those problems would have me running into the dark Nevada night...but both of them?  I wanted to approach my computer with camouflage fatigues ready for battle.  But then I spent a few moments trying to finding a calm and peaceful place to deal with a pretty big problem. Our world can be a loud and rancorous place making peace hard to come by.  We can't just opt out, we have to deal with the world. And that is where the choice comes.  Do we stay in the light where we can see solutions, or do we let go of all control and just let the world have it?

Long, long story short.  My health insurance premium automatically came out of my bank account on the tenth of every month.  Two different policies, two different accounts.  Starting April 1 I have a new health insurance policy and the others were cancelled along with the automatic withdrawal.  Or so I thought.

But only one policy was cancelled.  Which means the other policy, the really costly one, was automatically withdrawn.

Oh no....

I called the bank immediately and opened a dispute.  They said it will take at least 10 business days for them to resolve it.  In the mean time fees are mounting and our money is floating around somewhere....somewhere in the nether world.

I spoke with my insurance broker and they assured me it had been cancelled.

I called the health insurance company and they said it will take 30 days to resolve it.  I was only allowed to speak with a note taker, no one with any authority and no information really given.  After an hour and half on the phone, some of that time just on hold, and no real information or direction given, the note taker asked if there was anything else she could help me with.

What?

Maybe help get my money back before 30 days which was the reason for my call.....

We have created a world of confusion that no one really understands, a land of "you cannot get there from here".  A place where folks calmly tell you they cannot help you and there is no solution.  They firmly believe and accept you cannot get there from here.

I refuse to accept that.  Simply stop trying when people tell us to stop trying? There is always a solution if we peacefully search for it.  We can do what appears to be impossible.....I know we can.

I know because of something I saw this morning.  A woman stood in front of a group of people from her church and thanked them for praying for her family.  She calmly said that two of the people shot and killed outside a Jewish Community Center in Kansas City were her father and son.
They were just living life when it happened.   She was at a lacrosse game with one son so her father agreed to drive her other son to a singing competition try out.  That's all, just living normal life.....maybe innocently dealing with insurance companies or cholesterol one minute and gone the next.

The mother standing in front of her congregants was peaceful and obviously it was the peace  sustaining her.  When we choose to hate and use anger we are left on our own to deal with problems.  Which fills us with darkness and that leads to hopelessness.  When we chose peace we are filled with light and can "see" solutions we never would have before.

My bank/insurance problem, while annoying, will be resolved.  In 30 days or 10 days or 10 minutes...but they will find the problem and fix it.

The mother in Kansas City reminded me to honor peace under all circumstances and I am grateful for that.  I have seen grace under pressure before and it always inspires me to do better, be better. While hatred and anger, even seemingly justified, only leaves me sad and confused and certainly without peace.  There is something to light and darkness, no matter what your belief system is.

Waiting for Stevie Nicks and my secret tennis life

I was just waiting for Stevie Nicks to come on the American Country Awards and started thinking about life a long time ago.  I wore out the album Rumours when I was in my early twenties.  All I did was listen to Fleetwood Mac and play tennis.

The other day my daughter told me she had a tennis match.  I am thrilled for her because I used to love to play tennis, it is so much fun.  I was dang good at it....but I stopped playing when I had my first child and never went back.

Mistake?

Maybe, but there is a back story to the abdication of my tennis shoes....tennis really got me in trouble....  When I played tennis I didn't just play tennis, I played all the time.  I got up in the morning and cleaned tennis courts at Caesar's in exchange for lessons.  And played tennis,  I did anything I could to just stay around tennis.  I hit with hotel guests and helped out with filling the drink machines, stocking shelves and pretending to string rackets.  I stayed there until I had to go to work at an indoor tennis facility where I scheduled court times and separated warring housewives playing on doubles teams.  They were nuts...

When the Alan King Tournament came to town the last week of every April I did everything to help.  Including watching incredible tennis from the best players in the world at the time.

I still cannot believe the carefree life I led, we went from the Frontier to the Stardust to the Riviera to the Desert Inn back to Caesar's and then over to the MGM just playing and playing.  I had tennis friends from bellhops to show girls....dealers and bosses, a crazy neurosurgeon and lots of regular people too.  The tennis world revolved around how good you were.  If you were good at the game you could move in any circle, with anyone.  I hit often with a woman named Mirha from yugoslavia who was the principle dancer for the Folies Bergere at the Tropicana.  She was a great tennis player, very strong with great strokes and because she was so beautiful she always attracted a crowd.  Court one at the Tropicana every Monday.

Every once in a while the traveling pro from Caesar's would stop by.  Everyone was terrified of him.  I didn't know better so I tried to learn everything I could from him.  I knew 2 people in my life that were the absolute best at what they did.  Charles Miller and Pancho Gonzales.
Pancho grew up in East Los Angeles, he wasn't allowed on the regular tennis courts because he was hispanic so he would climb over the fence to practice.  He overcame almost insurmountable discrimination to become one of the greatest tennis players to ever play.  He was also one of the most mercurial people to ever live.  A story that followed him everywhere was when he was playing at Wimbledon and threw his racket.  One you don't throw your racket at Wimbledon and if you play with steel rackets and throw your racket it could be deadly.  He missed the net judge (there was a time someone sat on the side of court with their hand on the net to check to see if it was hit during the serve) by inches....they said he would have decapitated her.  One of my worst afternoons was on a court at Caesar's.  I was hitting with a friend and since I considered myself all that as a tennis player I felt I could act like a spoiled child.  I missed a shot and threw my racket....since I got rackets for free ruining them wasn't on my mind, however where my racket landed gives me chills to this day.  Right at Pancho's feet.  I didn't know he was in town, didn't know he was there and certainly didn't know he had come looking for me.  There was the racket, there I was and there was his temper.  He was basically charm free when provoked and throwing a racket on his tennis courts was beyond unacceptable.  I was terrified, I could see him banishing me forever.  But he didn't, we had a very long conversation about tempers and how destructive they were, how unattractive they were and how that was never going to happen again.  I picked up balls for the rest of the day from lessons the pros gave and didn't say a word for hours.  Needless to say I never threw my racket again.

I never put tennis in perspective, I just played all the time to the detriment of everything else.  It was a lot of fun and I met a lot of very famous people.  I found out most of them had clay feet (never get me started on Bill Cosby - I played with him every time he came to town which was very often)  But it wasn't a real life.  I eventually got a job, met my husband and tennis was just a fond memory. But while I played it was a trip.  I had an enormous crush on Guillermo Vilas who was from Argentina, he was a great tennis player but considered himself a poet first.  Women considered him the best looking man in the world.  He would go on a back court and take off his shirt to practice.  His fans would be 12 deep.  And then of course what life with tennis would be complete without an Ilie Nastase story?  He needed a ride to the MGM so we piled into my ridiculous Datsun B210.  I listened to him for 20 minutes tell me what a piece of crap my car was.  With that accent it didn't seem as insulting as it really was.  He was playing Rod Laver the next day and I secretly hoped he would be wiped off the court but he wasn't.  The most elegant tennis player I ever watched was from Ensenada Mexico, his name was Raul Ramirez...he attended USC and eventually married Miss Universe.  Everyone talked about him in hushed tones, his family had huge money and he was just simply elegant and kind.  Then there was Peter Fleming who was doubles partner with John McEnroe.  Peter was a great friend and we had a lot of fun, but McEnroe was just quiet, a complete conundrum, because he was a horse's ass on the court.  Jimmy Conners was a happy, nice guy.  His best friend was the pro at the MGM so we saw him a lot, I remember running into him at the airport.  He was getting on a plane with just his racket, not another thing...not a bag, not a cover for his racket...just a racket.  I asked him what he was doing because it was just so odd...he just stared at me and said, "I'm going to LA, play a match and go home." and off he went.  He thought it was all completely normal.  I watched Andre Agassi play on center court as a 5 year old.....5 years old.  Amazing.
 I had the experience of getting to know the Amritraj brothers, Anand, Vijay and Ashok.  They were the first top flight tennis players from India.  Anand was my friend and the first thing I noticed about him was a 5 carat diamond ring he wore.  I don't know what his family really did in India, but he grew up with incredible wealth, even when he practiced he had ball boys.  After tennis one of his brothers Vijay was in several movies from Star Trek to Octopussy, his other brother Ashook was a producer making movies from Walking Tall to Bringing Down The House. 
Another great part of the time were the fights at Caesar's.  We would be playing tennis and here would come the fighter and his entourage.  One guy in the front with the boom box and then about 30 people after that.  Beautiful women, sparring partners, trainers, childhood friends, relatives, promoters and then the fighter.  It was the best!!  It was mostly Larry Holmes who trained there all the time.  I would go and watch him train because fighters truly fascinated me....who would do that?  All fighters were great at jumping rope and Holmes was no exception, he taught me how to jump rope and it was the best shape I was ever in.  Going to the fights was an experience in and of itself.  You dressed up in your best and just counted the celebrities.  Everyone who was anyone went to the fights.  I will never forget one night the whole place just stood up, it took me a minute to realize Mohammed Ali had arrived.  I don't think I saw another celebrity treated the way he was.  It was beyond awe...

So that was my little trip down memory lane....it was a lot of fun, but not real life.  I found out that folks can be amazing and difficult but mostly just regular people trying to be happy.  Meeting people from so many different places was what started me on a lifelong fascination with the nuts and bolts of people.   Now that my daughter is playing I really wish I had kept playing.  But I didn't  After my knee stops hurting I might be able to get a ball over the net.

No one will know but me that I really could play at one time in my life.

Except Bill Cosby, he knew I could play.....but that is a whole other story.

Christie Brinkley at 60

I am as shocked as you are that Christie Brinkley is 60...because that means I am too.  I have had the frightening honor of being the same age as Christie for a long, long time...so when she turned 40 and looked fabulous, I turned 40 and looked like me, and then 50 and now 60.  I liken her to those 4 year olds that can play the entire Bach Concerto in f minor, there is no real explanation it just is.  She's 60 and looks 30.  And not just any 30, a dang good 30.  Money has something to do with it, but that's not completely it....she just is an aging anomaly.

So instead of feeling like "Olga with big hands", (No offense to the Olga's out there.  I just knew a woman one time who had enormous hands with no delusions she was an attractive woman, so when I am feeling less than fabulous I refer to myself as "Olga with big hands"...there, another window into my soul.)  I try to focus on what I have control over.  There aren't many 4 year olds playing concertos and probably even fewer 60 year old women looking like Christie.

There are a few things in my life that work, or let me qualify that...there are a few things in my life that have worked for me.  I am not an expert on anything and I am offering no advice...but some things are worth sharing.  We all need to share what works for us...it's just collective brain storming.

For instance, are you as confused as I am over every new diet or nutritional news?  I had to start paying attention to what makes me feel good and forget the rest.  Case in point, I was told that oatmeal was the end all, so I ate oatmeal...guess what? It kills my stomach.  So like the patient who says, "it hurts when I do this," and the doctor who says. "stop doing that then"  I substituted green smoothies with protein powder.  The spinach helps with fiber and all the other Popeye magic and the protein helps my hunger pains....remember I don't even play a doctor on TV.  I certainly don't have all the answers, I don't even know how Darth Vader can breath and talk at the same time.

I also know to use a great cleanser, exfoliate, moisturize, sunscreen and find the retinol!!  When I was in my 20's I played tennis for hours and hours each day.  Luckily a woman at the Estee Lauder counter introduced me to sunscreen, I think her exact words were, "do you want to look like a shoe when you are older?"  So as I got older I made sure I used as quality a moisturizer as I could afford.  For awhile I used Chanel....I loved it, loved those little black and white bottles.  But life got in the way of those indulgences...$85 eye cream just wasn't in the budget.  So I used a little of this and a little of that..but always with the mantra of Cleanser, exfoliate, moisturize, sunscreen

and retinol.  I don't think you need to use a lot of products (face it, if it's complicated we won't do it) but find ones you like.

A few years ago I started selling Mary Kay (dtagliaferri@marykay.com) because they have the basic products I have to have, and an affordable retinol night cream. (For the record, I have never signed anyone up and I sell the minimum for each month, refer to me as a low maintenance sales person, but I do love the products)  Whatever you use, make sure you use it.  Clean your face, exfoliate, moisturize, use suncreen and find the retinol.  

I seriously love this stuff....if you want to try it let me know, I can send it anywhere, no delivery fee.  Shameless I know...


















The next thing I am working on is procrastination...get excited, it is going to be fabulous!!

Just another regular day in Las Vegas at the Linq

I live in a place where unusual things are commonplace.  For instance we were recently having lunch at the Sugar Factory inside the Paris when across the street .....

 The water show started at the Bellagio....just another lunch....just another day.

When I was invited to tour "The Linq" I couldn't wait to go.  The fabulous Tabitha Fiddyment counsel for the Linq has been working on this project for a long, long time.  Love her, love her project.  Don't you love the hats?

It is quite an amazing place, one road (formerly an alley) Filled with shops from everywhere.  From Sprinkles to Hat shops, candy shops, restaurants a bowling alley and every other unusual and fun shop you could imagine.  All on this redesigned, saved from ugly, space. It was a delivery alley between 2 hotels...genius!!

Ray Ray loves construction sights!!

And it all leads to the largest ferris wheel in the world. In the world!!   Look at that pod!!  Each pod holds 40 people and there are 22 pods. (how many times can you say pod in one sentence?) The ride lasts 30 about minutes and will run 16 hours a day.  About $30 a ride they are secure their investment will work out....

It is another great project in Las Vegas, a place where the sky is never the limit....especially when the high rollers from Asia come by.

Back to the car past the Flamingos....at the Flamingo....

I think it is Paris...well, almost

This is where I am supposed to go in my head when I get nuts...just saying.

So the news is good...Jane Davis my organizing guru returned today.  And lets just say she was thrilled.  May I repeat that?  Thrilled.  

I don't think you are grasping the enormity of this....a woman who understands organizing, considered my efforts and deemed me a success.  Gasp!!

She confided that she didn't think I would do it...or could do it.    Not sure which one she chose.  Any way I cleaned out 5 drawers of stuff....going through it was like rings on a tree. I found things I hadn't even thought about for years.  It was interesting and it took 3 days.  I am not happy with how slowly I churned through it, but slow and steady wins the race, right?  I threw out tons of written things that are easily found on the computer and realized no one needs that many pencils. I discovered tape, paste and dry erase markers have a shelf life and I spent half a day looking at ancient pictures.

I also found 13 cents.

Then I tackled the book shelves.  They really are just a big scrap book.  Besides my books, which take up a lot of room, I have all my families pictures on top of them to the side of them and in front of them.   

It's a good room. 

I only got rid of books I had already read or just didn't need, for instance why do I have a 1984 writers manual?

My desk was heaped....and for some reason that took forever.  Getting organized has it's hiccups.  I would walk around it, like it was a waste dump.  It felt toxic.  That took forever. But then I found some ways to have some fun with it, I cleared off several shelves next to my desk, and then just sat there.  What do I need?  That has been my problem, if I need scissors I have to hunt for them....and stamps....post its...the only thing that was right where it always is is the scotch tape.  So I put everything next to the scotch tape and promised myself I would put everything back where I found it.  Maybe I could velcro it to the shelf.  

This is right next to my chair...it is still intense, but handy.  The printer is on the bottom, above that a 3 tier paper organizer thing, my calendar, all the office supplies I need.  And they won't move from this spot.  I found a small silver cup to put stamps in.  A basket for the post it notes, a container for all the computer things... a shelf for the calculator, pictures of my kids, and a magnifying glass.  And it was my goal to find the most unusual containers I could find...all around my house.

  

My pens are in one place, my calendar.....a fun little desk container for my notes.  I feel so much more confident and capable.  I have a stack of books to trade or give away and 4 count them 4 empty drawers.

Jane gave me my next assignment, separating bills.  I told her my avoidance problem, my finances are weak so bills make me apprehensive...but if I incorporate the wisdom of my dear friend Valerie, we attract what we fear.  Attracting poverty seems counterintuitive, so I plunge ahead.

She is going to find a form for mileage...caterers drive a lot

Date the receipts.

Clear out the file cabinet, since it is filled with files 5 years old it is as helpful as the 4 huge drawers of "stuff".

Now I have room....

I really don't want to be like those people on hoarders, they get their homes organized and then they go right back to how they were before.

So I have the queen to watch over me and make sure I don't slide.

She is a gift from my friend Betsey who knows I need someone with authority to keep me in line.  So she stands next to my computer and waves at me.  Her purse has a solar power thing on it.

The Queen would never tolerate clutter.

I will be good.....

It Should Be Paris

It should be Paris but it isn't....It is clutter 1,2,3 and 4.

No this isn't a resolution, this is reality....fixing my unorganized mess. It has been impossible to find anything and very hard to do business.  I do everything at this desk and it has been a frustrating ball of tangled yarn getting anything accomplished.

When I realized I needed an intervention I called Jane Davis, who is to organization what Philo Farnsworth is to television.  Jane came over and surveyed the whole situation, because I really wanted help I remained ego-less and simply hopeful there was a solution.  I didn't cringe when she saw just how overwhelmed I was with paper and stuff, I just wanted a road map.

First she told me I wasn't a hoarder and she had seen much, much worse.  Jane is an extremely patient person and wasn't critical.  She explained to me how many offices and homes she had organized and how much better they ran after a few simple steps.  Easy Peasey.

Then she said something I had to hear in order to go forward....."Time is money".  Jane told me about a law firm she started with that basically operated out of a bedroom and is now 18 attorneys.  She attributes a great deal of their success with the organization she instituted in their office.  As she surveyed my mess she told me the hard truth, it is impossible to do business when you don't know where anything is.  Time is wasted looking for things that should be within an arm's reach.  I know this is true when I would think about all the times I wrote notes on anything I could, envelopes, scraps of paper and open books when I couldn't find my note pad.  I would search endlessly for my calendar which would be at the bottom of the bills, or in the kitchen, dining room or even one time my car.  I know I lost business just because I was so unorganized.

Here are the simple steps she asked me to do this week.

1.) Accept change.  That is actually the hardest part, but I have to make our business work, so I will change.  Done

2.) Clear off the desk....of everything....some things can be added back, but for now a clear surface

3.) Clear out the bookshelves next to my desk, I can put files there....or things that have something to do with work and not art books, unfiled papers and broken scot tape containers

4.) Get containers...the chest above was filled with papers I hadn't looked at in 5 years, and that chest can be used for the business files.  Space is important, stuff isn't.
Stuff falls into 3 categories, possessions (accumulated stuff) Treasures (things you love that cannot be replaced) Keepsakes (things people have given you that you really don't care about but you keep them in case your Aunt comes by and looks for lamp she gave you).  So I went through the chest and didn't have to decide about a lot of things, I could just put them in the clear container - has to be clear so that you see what it is right away.  And I could go through it on a Sunday afternoon, no pressure.  It actually took away some angst I would experience when trying to decide to keep something or not.

She also told me to get rid of anything that can be replaced for less than $50.  You know what you say, "I might need this one day"  And maybe you will, but when a whole cupboard is filled with things you might use, then it is just clutter.

I have one week to get this done and she is coming back to help me with the next step.  She isn't coming to check on me, she is coming to implement the next step.  No pressure, nothing hanging over my head.  She was very persuasive in her approach in helping me understand what I will gain from organization.

Control....Ease....Satisfaction....Comfort

I don't believe in complete control, things always occur, but I will have a much better picture of what needs to be done.  And I will be able to find it.  I have to put things I use in the same place every time.  Every time.  Just a few steps will give me the tools I need.  One thing Martha Stewart always says, use the best tool for the job.

Back to work, Paris is under here somewhere...

"I am too old for this!!"

So how many times have you heard this?

"I am too old for this"

I have heard it a lot, mostly in my head.  When I started this journey I began to ponder the words I used.  The catastrophic things I say are just empty words with little or no worth, said out of frustration. And besides, what am I too old for, other than being Miss Texas?  I really wanted to be miss Texas when I was little with big hair and a fabulous accent.  I was even the crown bearer for the Miss Water Festival pageant.  I wore a cute little bathing suit with a sash that said "Miss Water Festival 1971".  The winner went on to the Miss Houston pageant which feeds right into the Miss Texas pageant.  I was 8.  I was never even a real Miss Water Festival much less Miss Texas, so today I am too old for that.  Nuts.


Too old for Astronaut, Swat and Seal teams too.

When do you hear "I am too old for this, or I don't deserve this" the most?  You know when, when you are ticked and don't want to do whatever it is you are doing that you think you are too old for.
It's not like age is some line on a wall like a height requirement at Disneyland.  You really aren't too old if truth be told, you just don't want to be doing whatever it is you are doing.
Right?
Examples.....
I am too old to be raising children - a friend who is raising her grandchildren is chasing toddlers at 60.
I am too old to take care of my elderly parents in their dotage....I am a almost senior citizen, right?
I am too old to be taking care of my husband/wife who is sick.
I am too old to be working full time with no retirement in sight.
I am too old to get divorced.

Granted none of those things sound fun, mostly because we want Nirvana.  We want to be planning endless delightful trips, getting our nails done, eating food with no possible chance of gaining weight, and spending an afternoon a week with spotless grandchildren.  No shame here, it's what's called the natural man syndrome.  The natural man is always looking for the easy way out....let's find the easy button!  But since life doesn't have an easy button, how do we handle the disappointment of the reality of life?
Or better yet how do we answer the age old question...

"I don't deserve this."

No worries, you don't have to confess that you have at least thought that a few hundred times...after all we live in a world with a bunch of air brushed women and blue pilled men all youth worshipping.  It's easy to  measure your life against the make believe lives and come up wanting.  But it isn't real.  Stop comparing your life with a shadow on the wall that is taller and thinner than you.  It isn't real.
The home magazines?  Staged.  Women magazines?  Vogue, 17, Allure, Mademoiselle, Glamour...all air brushed and staged.
Here's another, Martha Stewart has a staff.  She doesn't do everything on that dumb calendar in the front of her magazine alone....she staffs it out.  She wants you to do that crap alone while she pulls on her waders and strolls down a beach in the Hamptons.  Read it all if you want, take an idea or two from them, but don't buy into their definition of beauty or success.  It isn't real....

And get rich quick schemes, anything done too quickly, doesn't work.  Slow and steady wins the race.  The turtle not the rabbit...If there is something you really want you are going to have to tough it out, put in the time and be patient. The adversary (whatever that is for you) wants you to buy into thinking everything has to be done quickly because then you will be disappointed when quick doesn't work and he wins by making you miserable.  Did you see Saving Mr.Banks?  Walt Disney tried for 20 years to get permission from the lovable P.L. Travers to make Mary Poppins into a movie.  20 years!!  Slow and steady won that race for sure!!

Here is the truth...listen up.  Everyone has a problem, everyone.  A wise man once said, "treat everyone as though they have had the worst day of their life and you will be right 50% of the time."  The worst thing is thinking, "I am the only one this has happened to, everyone else in the world has life wired and I am the only one with financial problems, the only one with marriage problems, children problems.  The adversary wants to single you out as the only one.  It makes it easy for him to get you to feel like a failure if you think you are the only one with the problem, right?  Reality is you aren't the best little kid on the block, but you aren't the worst either.  The best way to be unhappy is to think about yourself too much.  Do you see how many times I have used the letter "I"?  I am too old, I don't deserve this....I need better boobs, I need less lines on my face, I need to be in love, I need to be alone, I need, I need, I need......I I I I I.

Stop it...that's right, stop it.  it is as easy as that....trust me and realize that happiness is a choice.
So make a better choice.  It's a choice to save the china instead of using it.  It is a choice to write the book or the poem, to paint or run for office.  It is also a choice to watch Netflix all day every day.  Think ahead one month, just one month, what could you do that would make you feel really accomplished about your life?  It doesn't have to be enormous.  Maybe you did the elliptical for 10 minutes a day, or read a classic, maybe you began yoga.  What do you want to do?  When you thought about your dotage did you envision sitting on the couch watching TV just because you can?  Or did you imagine all the time you would have to learn another language, crochet, do genealogy or have an ant farm?  Did you want to direct a play, sail a ship or write a book?  If you are going to dream, dream big, you aren't too old for any of your dreams (unless you want to be Miss Texas).

Do you spend so much time counting your problems that you have lost the ability to count your blessings?  No matter what your circumstances are you can still do things to help you feel accomplished.  I know the closer I am to God the clearer the answers are....that is where the energy is, and that is where the peace is.  I know the further I am from Him the more I experience fear.  I don't like the feeling of being afraid.  Even if you are fighting oil rig fires you don't have to be afraid.
Remember you are a mammal with opposable thumbs so you can reason and you can choose.  It might take a lot of practice but as soon as you feel those negative feelings, the ones that tell you you aren't good enough, tall enough, lovable enough, stop...breathe...chase them away.  Hand those negative thoughts over to whatever higher power you subscribe too and feel peace.  Really do it, don't just say you will.

This is what I am going to do for one month 10 minutes of some kind of activity...I might dance for 10 minutes, or do yoga....I might do the elliptical, or remember cheers from high school.  I am going to do something and have fun doing it.  Then after a month I am going to look backward with a big 'ole smile!!

How about you?