Memory Fail and My Personal Cure

I sat down at my computer and saw my debit card.  I have seen my debit card before so that wasn't unusual.  But I don't see it at my computer unless I have paid a bill with it.

What bill did I pay?

If I paid a bill, did I note it somewhere?

Why can't I remember?

Why is my memory so bad that the only thing I never forget to do is eat?  Somehow that memory never fades.  But I am forgetting so many things that I frighten myself.  You know that fear...it creeps up behind you and scares the crap out of you when you least expect it.  It's the fear you face when you are late and you cannot find the keys.  And you forgot to get new ones made so you only have one set.  And running there is not an option.

It's that fear when you forget a very important appointment....I mean totally forget.  And when you remember the blood drains from your body in seconds, breathing is no longer an option and your brain says, "sorry baby can't help you here, you are on your own."

Then you start to think this is just the beginning.  Soon you will be wearing your underwear on the outside of your clothes, talking to imaginary friends and eating food with a spoon.  The circle of life is coming together and a senior rendition of the terrible two's is on the horizon.  Although I don't remember my terrible two's and there is no one presently living who can fill me in on that particular stage of my life, I do remember my children's terrible two's.  Personally, I didn't find it to be an inspiring time, but  they seemed to enjoy the hell out of it.

Positive parts of terrible two's...
1.) the entire world was at their feet.  I did everything I could to make them happy.  If they ever fell asleep I simply put a blanket over them and called it good.  If none of us had slept the night before and they wanted pop tarts and cheerios for breakfast, great idea, oatmeal tomorrow.  If they wanted to watch the same disney show 70 times in a row, it happened.  I was experiencing Stockholm Syndrome...I did as I was told,

2.) They wore whatever they wanted.  If I spent hours matching things up at Gymboree so they would be the cutest things at the playground but they wouldn't budge until I let them wear the same thing one more day or else, well, Gymboree on the floor and plaid jumper with green shirt and cowboy boots it is.

3.) Shopping was rarely an option.  I grew tired of comforting old women my 2 year old son scared the crap out of.  He thought it was so funny to be very quiet and then raise up from the shopping cart and  roar at the top of his lungs when unsuspecting people walked by.  And that's why we ate pop tarts and cheerios as much as we did.

4.) We never made it out of the church foyer on Sunday mornings.  One very bad day my son crawled the entire length of the chapel, pew by pew....folks looked like bobble head dolls as he made his way to the front.  I sprinted to where I thought he would emerge, waited, scooped him up and ran to the foyer....where I remained for about 7 years.

So my memory fail is starting to look like a new stage in my life.  I can eat what I want when I want, cry at the drop of a hat for no reason,  maybe for attention, maybe because I am hungry, maybe I don't like what I am eating....maybe I just don't like you, I don't need a reason.  I can sleep anywhere, at anytime.  I can scare people, roaring may not be effective but perhaps a fake heart attack?  Just to keep everyone honest about their feelings for me.  If it looks like I'm dying and one of my children whispers in my ear, "where's the key to the safety deposit box?" instead of dialing 911 we will know the new direction of the will.  Oh, and don't forget this one...I don't have to pick up my toys and I never have to share.

This is shaping up to be a great time of life...for the memory fail I will add a couple of calendars and a few more alarms reminding me of things I really better get done.  As for the rest?  Why not embrace the horror?  Make lemonade out of the whole thing?

Now what did I come in here for?

Who Said So???

I have been formally trained in so few areas that a good fortune cookie is probably more effective than what I could offer.  Except for one thing, at this point in my life I have learned a great deal about wisdom.  Wisdom occurs through trial and error, it isn't really learned as much as it is absorbed.  Sort of like osmosis.   And I am a student of life, just living life teaches me so much of what I really need to know.  For instance, my husband gave me the greatest gift yesterday...he fixed the sink.   We have been living with this broken sink for a long time.  That broken sink was a metaphor for so much. From our health to broken sinks to that "funny sound" the car makes, we put things off until we reach a place of "no return".  So many things were wrong with the sink, but it was still useable.  The faucet was broken, but if you did this and bent that way and were careful with this part, it still worked.  The air gap thing was plugged for some reason so the water from the dishwasher spurted out into the sink.  So three times during a dishwasher cycle it sounded like a pipe was broken.  And from an earlier flood the shelf underneath the sink was warped.  But we walked around it, used it broken because we didn't have the money to fix it, didn't have the time to fix it and besides it still worked.  Looking at that broken sink made me feel poor, and that is a negative feeling.  But looking at the fixed sink makes me feel so good.

Sound familiar?  There is a great scripture that talks about the "natural man being an enemy to God"  What that means to me is God is good, patient, kind, loving and every other positive quality you can think of, and well, man isn't.  But that's not a bad thing.  We have weaknesses so we can overcome them....which makes us strong.  Case in point, a tiny bird pecks its way out of an egg, what happens if you try to help that baby bird?  It dies because the act of pecking its way out of the egg gives it the strength to live.  This earth life can be a hard one, there is sickness, and wars, and poverty and problems galore.  We have to be strong enough to handle them, so we are given weakness to overcome so that we are strong.  For instance a weakness is anger, the natural man gives in to anger, but as we progress and learn to control it our lives improve.  The worst story I ever about anger occurred near my home.  A driver cut another driver off on the freeway.  Instead of ignoring a mistake, the 'cut off' driver reacted very badly.  He aggressively followed the first driver honking his horn, getting right up on the bumper and scaring the first driver so much she called her boyfriend for help.  He told her to get off the freeway and he would meet her at a nearby carwash.  With the 'cut off' driver in pursuit they all arrived at the car wash with tempers flaring, a fight started.  One man pushed the other man who tripped and fell backwards, in a freakish accident he hit his head on a concrete planter and died.  If the cut off driver had simply accepted a mistake and used some forgiveness tragedy would have been avoided.

When we give in to anger, addictions, procrastination and a million other things that weigh us down we are just going to a default state.  We are naturally a mess....but we can work at overcoming our weaknesses thereby becoming strong.  Very few people are naturally disciplined. There isn't a magic spell, or a pill you can take....you just do it.  I remember Oprah doing this whole show on discipline.  She could not figure out why she was still heavy when she had everything at her disposal to be thin.   In the end she concluded, "disciplined people are disciplined because they do it".

Addictions can be conquered, positive outlooks can claim the day, anger can be conquered, books can be written and problems can be solved.  When we stop the self loathing and realize our weaknesses have been given to us to make us strong.  When our perception changes we want to conquer.  Have you ever heard anyone explain away bad behavior by saying, "That's just the way I am."?  Nonsense!! That is just an excuse. And not a very good one.   I have been so tempted to give up because the mountain seems to high to climb. Inertia taps me on the shoulder and whispers, "just give up and give in, this is too hard." It is up to me to listen to that voice or to my "better angels".  My better angels encourage, while inertia discourages.  My better angels sing with the voice of positive songs, inertia is negative.  A positive outlook is simply your mind mastering negative energy and thoughts.  It is your choice.

Ted talks are not given about the folks who give up, they are given about the ones who refused to take no for an answer.  Who refuse to give in the "Natural man".

There is a great Ted talk about the Wright Brothers (Simon Sinek - Start with Why) and a man named Simon Pierpont Langley.  I am taking it directly from the transcript.  

"Samuel Pierpont Langley was given $50,000 by the War Department to figure out this flying machine.  Money was no problem.  He held a seat at Harvard and worked at the Smithsonian and was extremely well connected.  He knew all the big minds of the day.  He hired the best minds money could find and the market conditions were fantastic.  The New York Times followed him around everywhere and everyone was rooting for Langley.   Then how come we have never heard of Samuel Pierpont Langley?  A few hundred miles away in Dayton, Ohio lived Orville and Wilbur Wright.  They had none of what we consider to be the recipe for success.  
They had no money, they paid for their dream with the proceeds from their bicycle shop.  Not a single person the Wright Brothers' team had a college education.  Not even Orville or Wilbur.  And the New York Times followed them around nowhere.  The difference was that Orville and Wilbur were driven by a cause, a purpose, a belief.  They believed that if they could figure out this flying machine, it will change the course of the world.
Samuel Pierpont Langley was different.  He wanted to be rich and he wanted to be famous.  He was in pursuit of the result, he was in pursuit of the riches and lo and behold look what happened.  The people who believed in the Wright Brothers' dream worked with them with blood, sweat and tears.  The others worked for the paycheck.  And they tell stories about how every time the Wright Brothers's went out, they would have to take five sets of parts because that's how many times they would crash before they came in for supper.  And eventually on December 17, 1903 the Wright brothers took flight and no one was there to even experience it.  We found out about it a few days later.  

And further proof that Langley was motivated by the wrong thing - the day the Wright Brothers took flight, he quit.  He could have said, "That's an amazing discovery guys and I will improve upon your technology." But he didn't.  He wasn't first, he didn't get rich, he didn't get famous, so he quit.  people don't buy what you do, they buy why you do it.  And if you talk about what you believe, you will attract those who believe what you believe."

Orville and Wilbur weren't listening to the natural man, they were listening to something bigger and better and look what they accomplished!  I know I am facing an enormous challenge.  Starting over in life when popular beliefs are telling us we should be done, we should retire, we are too old...give up, is not easy.  The natural man whispers things to me about how much easier my life would be if I would just quit.  Thankfully just as I am about to, just when I think I don't have one more step something happens to give me hope.  Something as small as the sink getting fixed.  God wants me to succeed.  And if you don't believe in God then believe that nature wants you to succeed.  Look at the bird pecking its way out of the egg, the salmon swimming upstream, whales migrating to warmer waters...the evidence is clear, the earth is here for you to be happy, safe, warm and secure.  And the preferred path God or nature has prepared for you is a great one.

You find it when you believe you can.

Flowers For Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays....the colors are warm, the times are sweet, the food is good, and we stop just briefly.....just for a moment......for gratitude.

This is my husband's work, he used all my favorite colors....

If you would like to order any of these arrangements, let me know.

As my grandmother would say in the deepest of drawls, "She seems like a nice girl, but does she set a good table?"

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

A Tribute to the Family

My Girls at Thanksgiving

After a football game 

 Wordless Wednesday is a treat.  I never thought my life would include such incredible people.  I love them so much...so very, very much.

Football and Cheer

worlds silliest dog - Hudson

Trey and Ashleigh - I love my kids

Christmas Dinner

Trey in Costa Rica on his mission

Raymond and Emma after a football game

The infamous Shrimp and pesto Pizza

Some of Ray Ray's Work

Raymond and Mikey

High School Emma as the Queen!!

After the temple

My beautiful friends!!

Love these women

Peaches!!!

High School Emma 

Sadie and Hudson

We Both Like Tomatoes

I grew up in Kemah Texas about thirty miles south of Houston, right on the Galveston Bay. My grandmother Minnie lived next door with my grandfather, the noble Horace, and his mother., Mee-Maw, lived out back of their house in the cutest little cottage by the chickens and the grapes.  My Aunt Alene and Uncle Hugh lived across the street with my three crazy cousins, Michael, David and Craig. I was my grandmother's only granddaughter, a very good position to have.

My grandparents had a business in their home and employed lots of folks.  These people were wildly divergent, they were from China and Mexico, French people from Louisiana (that is also where my Mee-Maw was from) and one person from Oklahoma....which according to my grandfather was a very bad place to be from....and that's another story. Then there were the women who worked in the house and took care of me.  It didn't occur to me that we were all that different. We ate together, worked together and laughed together.....I thought we were the same.  

And then I got a little older, and realized the world looked at people differently than I did.

One day my dad took me to the quarter horse races. It was a great time, with lots of Barbecue and as many cokes as I wanted.  It was also the first time I saw a sign that said, "white bathroom" and then another sign that said "colored bathroom".  And the same sign over the drinking fountains... White drinking fountains, colored drinking fountains.  I didn't understand what that meant but didn't ask anyone. I felt like I had walked in on a big secret, a really confusing secret.  Our personal histories dictate how we react to life and my history was I loved the people I grew up with...my crazy cousins, my uncle Homer who drank all the time, Tom from China who grew the most beautiful roses, the men who took care of the horses, the women who worked for my grandmother.....they were all family. But these signs stated that half the people in my life couldn't drink out of the same water fountain, or use the same bathroom as I did.  It made no sense.  And then one day the answer came in a way a 6 year old could understand. My mother and I were taking Rosie, a woman who worked for us, home.  After we dropped her off we went into a black grocery store and my mother handed a brown paper bag to me so I could pick out some tomatoes.  I started putting them in the bag and as I was getting the last one I needed a black woman reached for the same tomato.  She pulled her hand back in deference to me.  Everything seemed to stop for a minute and then a voice came into my head...."See?  you aren't different, you both like tomatoes."  That was the way a simple truth was taught to me.

I wish we were further ahead, we can always be better, but it isn't what it was.

Three ways to Fix a Mistake.

I made a mistake.  I am not talking mistake like a sin kind of mistake...like I accidentally slept with my husband's best friend.  Or I mistakenly robbed a bank..I made a mistake. And even though everything turned out fine I could not get past what almost happened.  The pain I felt was tangible, I turned it over and over in my head until I was sick with what "almost happened".  I couldn't make a logical move and I lost confidence in myself.  But then after a good deal of castigation, I heard a voice as clear as can be say. "forgive yourself, forget it, move on...I have already paid the price for this."  It was a voice I inherently trusted and the awful feeling I had went away.  It was a relief of epic proportions to not have that awful feeling.  But as an added gift this experience also taught a pattern to follow for future mistakes.  Sometimes our mistakes are simple and easily fixed, sometimes not.  But this pattern works for all of them and is easy, real, and true.

1.) Forgive yourself.  You must accept that everyone makes mistakes, we were never built to be perfect.  We get fatigued, or ill, or just confused and we make mistakes.  Realize that and stop blaming yourself.  You would forgive someone else so offer that same gift to yourself.  Accept imperfection in yourself and enjoy the wonderful feeling of forgiveness.  

2.) Forget about it.  Easier said than done?  Well, lets really get to it.  You won't forget it because you think you deserve to feel badly, like some weird penance.  That is a false belief.  Making mistakes is part of this mortal journey, but you don't have to list it on your resume. Remember what caused the mistake, note it, and then forget you screwed the pooch.  

3.) Move on.  I use visulization of myself actually moving on....try it.  To back this up there are quite a few old adages about "getting back on the horse".   So I do.  Get back on the horse that is.

If you have messed up at work, go right back to it with renewed vigor and be great at what you do.  Messed up with a relationship?  Made a subtraction mistake on a tax return?  Honestly deal with it, be straight forward and honest.  Accept responsibility for what occurred and move on.  Another adage?  The truth will set you free...it really will.  I tell the truth and I can look people in the eye, sleep well at night and expect good things to happen.  Good guys do not finish last.

These three steps will help you with processing a mistake without overreacting and wasting time.  It does take practice, but it will work.  I promise.

Celebrating Choice

Yesterday my Facebook page was filled with concerned women commenting on a speech President Obama gave in Rhode Island.  His thesis was to expand pre-schools because he firmly believes all children should be attending mandated preschools.  But what was very surprising is the reason he gave.

"Sometimes, someone, usually mom, leaves the workplace to stay home with the kids, which then leaves her earning a lower wage for the rest of her life as a result.  And that's not a choice we want Americans to make."

The women on my Facebook page took exception to his assertion that staying home and raising children was not a choice he wants Americans to make.  I didn't focus on that but on the fact he feels women will make a lower wage for the rest of their lives if they stay home with their children.  That is patently untrue.  If he could visit me for a few days I would show him the women in my part of the world who could and do prove that wrong.  While raising children they finished college or other training and when they decided it was good for the family went to work teaching school, family counseling, nursing, personal trainer, selling insurance, politics and fund raising.  I am sure I am leaving some of their occupations out.  Four women I know started their own businesses.  Three women went into a new business with their husband.  I know three women who own pre-schools and have run them for years.  One woman sells make-up so successfully that she has a car!  Another has devoted a tremendous amount of time learning everything she could about healing, well being and essential oils.  She teaches classes in four states and is starting a personal life coaching business from that.  These are all amazing women, but I don't see them as particularly unusual. They spent their time raising children doing productive things and learning skills they could use later on.  Or they kept up the skills they had previous to having children.  Hairdressers to attorneys they did all kinds of things.   From my experience of moving a beltway that threatened to take my home and 45 others I was asked to sit on a town board which I did for ten years.  After that I was appointed to Planning Commissioner which I have done the last 6 years.  During my stay at home with children I put in the first residential constructed wetlands in Nevada, which led to a place on the Springs Preserve Board, an absolutely amazing project.  I also encouraged my children to finish college, the youngest is a senior this year.  All of them paid for college themselves, we helped when we could but they worked, got pell grants, a few scholarships and loans.

When the recession in Las Vegas took all of our investments and savings my husband and I started a catering business.  I can safely say it is the hardest work I have ever done, but we will not give up.  We are too old to start an entry level job and too young and poor to retire.  We had to start a business and many of my catering clients are people I have simply met along the way.

I thought President Obama was selling women short.......none I described are accepting a lower wage for the rest of their lives.  They are working hard and creating work.  Many of their businesses are creating jobs for other women.

I won't debate women who work and women who stay at home with children, that isn't what caught my attention.  When I had children I made a choice that was right for my family.....I chose.  And I am happy I did.  But staying home does not necessarily mean women will make a lower wage the rest of their lives......

Melgasbal Cuales

I am sure your Facebook page does the same thing mine does...suggests folks you could, or maybe should be friends with.  I am assuming it is in Facebooks best interest for you to be connected as possible so they are constantly suggesting friends.  Often, if not always, the suggestions make sense...a friend of a friend of a friend perhaps.  But for the past few days one name has consistently been in front of me...Melgasbal Cuales.  First of all I was intrigued by his name.  It has an old world explorer feel about it doesn't it?  Vasco De Gama, Ferdinand Magellan, Amerigo Vespucci and Melgasbal Cuales.

I have no idea why Facebook thinks we should be friends.  I explored his page out of curiosity as to what we would have in common.  Facebook knows all, surely there is some connection, right?

Melgasbal is an elderly man from the Philippines.  What could we possibly have in common?  There is no information about him except for his current residence, Las Vegas, and his past residence...Philippines.  From what I can gather he doesn't speak English and is married to a woman that looks just like him.  Also he has a huge smile and great teeth.
I am intrigued as to why Facebook suggested a friendship between us.  I am sure there is some statistical, analytical reason why....blah, blah, blah.  I would rather think the universe is reminding me of diversity and acceptance.  And that a wonderful smile is pleasing to everyone, regardless of space or time.

So today on this first day of November I am thankful for differences, acceptance and gratitude for the challenges I have been encountered.

Differences I have encountered have given me moments to pause and consider another point of view.

Acceptance has bridged gaps and given love a place to laterally move.

And gratitude for challenges?  I have been given a front row seat to what I can do in the worst of times and the best of times.

Happy November Melgasbal Cuales!!  Thank you for giving me a moment to be thankful.

A story of 2 women

This is a story of two women, one I have cherished a friendship with my entire adult life and the other woman I only met last night.

Amy is an amazing friend, I have known her a million years.  We met when I went into the family business.  My family business is gambling...my grandfather and grandmother were casino owners, my father dealt craps when he was 16 standing on a coke box in Kemah Texas.  I came from a long line of card and dice folks.  When we moved to Las Vegas I was only 13, but I knew more about games of chance than I did fairy tales.  Since Amy also worked in the casino as the personal assistant of the owner, we would sit after work and talk about everything.  And we bonded....No one in this world makes me laugh more and harder than she does.  Amy went on to do one interesting thing after another.  She was the first woman to sit on the Boxing Commission in Nevada.  Amy led the commission to not reinstate Mike Tyson's boxing license even though a fight of that stature represents about 12 million dollars for our city.  Brave?  I think so. She kept going and became an incredible fund raiser.  Raising more money for the democratic party in Nevada than anyone ever had, over 100 million dollars for politicians and charitable causes.  She built on her success starting a business called the "Zen Speaker." (www.thezenspeaker.com/)

Specializing in helping clients speak in public to their best ability.  In her words, "How to be calm, confident and compelling in the spotlight."  Everyone wants that, everyone needs that.  I recently attended a 6 week seminar she gave and in my class was a boxing referee, a woman from Metro, an intuitive, someone who worked for "Make a Wish" and the legal counsel for a child advocacy program.  Fascinating people are attracted to her, they always have been.

I know a lot about Amy, in fact I thought I knew everything.

Then one day she invited me to breakfast and told me there was something she needed to tell me.  Over bagels and cream cheese she told me a story I never thought I would hear from her.  She confided to me that she had been a victim of sex trafficking.  When she was very young, she had been forced into prostitution and was almost killed by the man who had trapped her.  I knew she had gone through some difficult times as a teenager, but never this.  It was time, she said, to go public with her story so that she could be a voice for so many who had lost theirs.  Amy wanted raped and abused women to know they could survive and flourish.  She had survived and wanted to look in the faces of girls and women and show them...not just tell them...that it can be done.

So she did, she shared her story in what has to be one of the bravest things I have ever seen.  The reaction was incredible.  She first spoke at the graduation of a  girls school, not coincidently the one she had attended while being a "challenging" teenager.   Her message was clear...don't be defined by the negative occurrences in your life.  Believe in yourself, believe in your potential and don't stop until you reach it.  Her many speaking engagements led Senator Harry Reid to appoint her to the national Commission to Eliminate Child Abuse and Neglect Fatalities and her appointment was later approved by Congress.

The first time I heard her story in public was one of the most emotional experiences I have  had.  I knew what she was going to say but I sobbed through it anyway.  How could my friend have gone through such a harrowing experience?  How could anyone be that evil to force her to do things so heinous?  How does anyone have that right?

That is her message, no one has the right.

So when she called and asked me to be her guest at the Anniversary dinner for the Rape Crisis Center I was happy to attend.  I grabbed my friend Betsey and off we went.

Which brings me to the second woman in this story, the keynote speaker from last night, Elizabeth Smart.

She was calm as she spoke but very strong and she mesmerized the crowd.  Although young she is incredibly articulate, extremely engaging and passionate about this cause of supporting and helping women who have been broken.  Amy told me later she is the introverts introvert, large crowds and speaking in front of people is very difficult for her.  When she was signing my book I told her my 12 year old son was on his way to scout camp when she was abducted.  He told me scout camp wasn't as important as going to Utah to help look for her.  Everyone looked for her....everyone.  When she began to tell her story she never equivocated, didn't back down from very uncomfortable facts.  She had been kidnapped and raped by one of the most evil people on Earth. She described a cleansing ritual, a mock marriage that was followed by a rape.  Looking at this incredibly beautiful, sweet woman I was rocked by the remembrance she had been 14 when it happened.  A completely innocent 14 year old child looking forward to nothing more serious than attending high school.

She said the question she is asked the most is "why didn't you try to escape?"  Her explanation?  "Everything my kidnappers told me came true."  So of course she would believe them when they told her if she tried to escape they would kill her and her family.  They told her no one wanted her anyway, and no one would believe her.  Of course she wanted to escape, of course she wanted to go home....but she knew they would kill her and her family.  When she was finally found and taken to the police station she thought the police wouldn't believe her.  She went though a scenario in her mind that jail would be much better than what she was currently experiencing.  The police held her in a small room with no explanation and she had no idea what was occurring. But then the door burst open and her father was standing there.  He shouted,  "Elizabeth is that really you?" Suddenly I knew why there was box of kleenex on every table...there wasn't a dry eye in that room.  A complete miracle, she was rescued! She received 3 standing ovations and the respect of every person there.  One thing she said will stay with me forever.  She wasn't angry.  She said "I have come to a place in my life where I'm not sorry for what happened and I don't pity myself.  I believe 100% in happy endings."  That went through my mind over and over.  Elizabeth Smart would not be defined by this incredible act of violence, but by her faith and the knowledge of her worth.

I never thought my friend Amy would have so much in common with Elizabeth Smart.....but she does.  And statistics will tell you there are a great many women out there with memories no one knows about.  Except for their attacker.

Lets do all we can to end this....lets make the punishment so severe that attackers think twice before they attack a woman, or a girl.... or anyone.

Thank you Elizabeth Smart for your example of courage, survival and hope, and thank you Amy Ayoub for your example of courage, survival and hope.

Oh, My....

This has been the busiest last four days...well, maybe not the busiest.  But far busier than I am comfortable with.  I don't mind working but I do mind working too much.  My grandmother would always say to me, "I am not afraid of work, I can lay down right beside it and go to sleep." I don't understand overachieving at things we don't have to overachieve on.

Like natural childbirth.

I tried it...it was awful!!  They lied to me, they said the childbirth process is beautiful...you don't need medication.  What a pile of excrement...I bought into all that focal point stuff only to discover it is hard to concentrate on focal points when you are screaming in pain.  I know it will not be written on your  tombstone that you endured natural childbirth.  Horrible pain versus one shot for total bliss?  Not really a coin toss in my book.

There are a lot of things I either bought into, or felt guilty that I didn't do.  It seems children who are put to bed at a decent hour each night, are no smarter or responsible than children who simply fell asleep on the floor.  Hey, don't judge, I put a blanket on them...

And then there was nursing.  I was a nursing mom because I had children when the La Leche League ruled the world of young moms.  If you didn't nurse your children you were not a good mother. Don't tell anyone but I did it because it was cheap and easy.  No bottles to wash and no formula to buy.  Bonus?  I looked like the perfect mom.   We were told cows milk is for calves and giving them milk was practically poison.  However, my children still got allergies, they got colds, and that stupid RSV thing (while I was nursing by the way).  Cure all?  Nope...

How about moms working?  There was a fence 10 miles high between working moms and stay at home moms.  For awhile the working moms were winning....what do you do?  They would ask...knowing I was obviously too stupid to actually get a job since all I did was wander around my house in my bathrobe.  I usually came back with my usual, "I am a rice farmer."  Then the stay at home moms won for awhile when it turned out being at home with children was actually rewarding.  Then too many working moms left the work force for the PTA....I remember volunteering with a woman who used to be some big deal at a hotel on the strip.  She started making it all work and serious...like our $500 fundraiser wasn't good enough.  She changed things around, raised $37,000 and put in a petting zoo....guess who had to feed the goats?

It seems all of our kids came out the same...with just as many problems and just as many successes.  What a lot of wasted time trying to decide who was right, not to mention a lot of hurt feelings.   I met a woman who told me she prayed about what she was supposed to do every day and assumed everyone else did too.  Who was she to judge someone's decision? That was simple brilliant logic.

Who is right and who is wrong?

And Martha Stewart with her revolution of being everything, doing everything and being perfect.  It was a relief when she went to jail, we could practically eat out of cans without feeling guilty it wasn't made from scratch.  Wasn't it amazing when we found out all those things she seemed to be doing herself was done by a staff?  Here I was chopping my wood and carrying my water and she was just pointing to things that needed to be done.  

Oh, Martha

Low fat, non fat, carbs are good, carbs are the devil, Protein only, vegans, vegetarians and juicers.   Do you know I found a notebook of my mothers after she had passed where she had carefully journaled, everything she  ate and how the diet she was on was working.  That is the only writing I have of hers....a journal of food she ate.

What is right and what is wrong?

It's all very clear now that
I don't know very much, and the experts I listened to knew even less.
One great thing about getting older is I don't have to be right, and if I think you are wrong I don't have to tell you about it.  I don't have to be right...
All those rules, all those hoops I jumped through, all the parenting books, marriage books, diet books, exercise books.......all the millions of self help books.....turns out the best advice was.....

"Go to bed at 10 and get up at 6 and let the day take care of itself"  Gordon B. Hinckley

Stevie Nicks, 100,000 Views, and Essential oils

The best part about my writing is I can write about anything.  I am certainly not making a living at writing so whatever goes from my head, to my fingers, to my keyboard is a luxury of real free speech.

Emphasis on the free.

Stevie Nicks has a new album.....I love that rockers never quit.  Really good ones just don't seem to stop.  Maybe they have so much energy that they keep going despite themselves.  Like some rocker aura takes over and they are powerless to stop it.  For the record, I am not obsessed with Stevie Nicks, she simply transports me to a very carefree time in my life.  I was that girl on the front row at the Aladdin....with nothing in my head but how much tennis I was going to play the next day, just listening to Stevie Nicks.  I worked at the tennis courts at Caesar's and I remember laying out by the pool (we had access to everything in the old days) and thinking, "Man, if I couldn't do this everyday Las Vegas would be really boring."  I was also psychic in the old days.

So that is where Stevie takes me...... to my "Inner Diva" at almost at a moments notice.

Next thing....I have started using Essential Oils.  If you haven't looked into them, you must!  I had this thing on my leg....kind of a barnacle.  The doctor had already told me it was just getting older and it wasn't dangerous, but this last summer it seemed to grow.  And since I didn't want to end up on the learning channel with a 60 pound tumor I decided to have it removed.  But I am so lazy that instead of making a doctors appointment I reached for a thimble sized bottle of Frankincense (a friend had given it to me - not sure why - ) and I rubbed that bad boy on it.  I had been told it would work on skin things, Funny when I think of skin things I always think of Frankincense.  Isn't that your go to remedy?  Well I used it for four days.....repeating that....four days. It just came off.  After years (I told you I was lazy) it came off by using an oil I thought was made up.  Abandoned in a pyramid maybe....but no it is still around.  And it smells like old stuff, like my Grandmother's attic.  But it also smells familiar, which is a little weird.  So after Frankinscense made that miracle change on my leg, I have since decided there is something to this.  In our current world situation (yikes!) thieves oil - a very cool essential oil - is being ordered by the ship load.  The  story behind thieves oil is very interesting.   There was a group of thieves during a European plaque outbreak that were robbing the dead or the sick.  After being caught they offered to exchange their secret recipe, which had allowed them to commit the robberies without catching the disease, in exchange for leniency.  So why not give this blend of oils the coolest name?  They did, thieves oil.  I kind of love that, its like pirates.  So I have been learning as much as I can absorb (absorb!! Oils!!  Pun!!) from a dear friend who has been studying oils for 35 years.  A long time ago she had kidney stones and wanted to find a natural way to fix them.  She was successful and has been teaching about nutrition, oils, muscle testing if you can name a natural way to heal, she knows about it.  She is a self professed "Buffalo Woman".  Her husband gave the nickname because he likened her strength to an Indian Woman, a Buffalo woman.  
I like that too....it's right up there with Pirates and thieving plague pillagers....without the stealing and pillaging.  So when your friends start talking about essential oils, don't think they are nuts.  A bottle of Frankincense is way cheaper than all the doctor visits I would have had to make for the same result...And I use peppermint, and oregano, and lavender....and something called Ocotea.  That's right I am practically a Shaman.

Now for the 100,000.....as in page views.  Tonight I should go over 100,000 page views on my humble little blog.  It's not really a big deal since some of my blogger friends do that in an afternoon. I say it to the writing demons who have bullied my muse for years.  For years I say!!!!  For years I have listened to the demons who have told me not to write...waste of time, what do you get out of it?  Are you paid?  

No more!!  Get behind me satan!! And take your little nasty minions with you.  I have the ghost of William Wallace on my side.  William Wallace doesn't care about my blog, he doesn't care if I have a teaspoon of talent....he only cares about my freedom!!  I am free to write and fail, or write and succeed...or the freedom to not write at all.  Here's to our freedom.  Enjoy it....you are the only one who can give it away.  Unless you are in a Turkish prison.  (Wow, remember when Turkey had the worst prisons?  It's a spa day now...)

So read my little blog tonight, maybe you will be the one to put me over 100,000.  

Aunt Stuff and the things we are made of........

This is a blog I wrote in June of 2012 - with a few additions....

Aunt Stuff called this morning, she is one of those folks who seemed to know the right time to call.  There was Aunt Stuff on the phone right before I was about to use Aunt Connie's recipe for cobbler instead of MeMaw's recipe.  You would have thought Aunt Connie's recipe was poison.  Aunt Stuff howled, "how could you ever consider using Connie's recipe?.....It's made of turpentine!!" Tragedy averted, MeMaw's cobbler prevailed and Aunt Stuff made me promise to check with her before ever using an unapproved family recipe.

Then the time she called after I found out the Houston Chronicle offered me an opportunity to write a column for them.  I was so excited!!  I went home and told my parents and all they said was, "how much does it pay?"  I felt the Chronicle was taking a huge chance on a twenty-two year old kid and the fact they weren't paying me wasn't important.  The reaction of my parents hurt so much that I went into my room and threw my purse through the window.  May I just say the sound of breaking glass felt great....Later that day Aunt Stuff just happened to call.  I told her the whole pitiful story...she stopped me and said I could write, she had proof....my initials were still on her Duncan Phyfe dining room table from a thank you note lesson that went horribly wrong.  She also told me to quit crying and write about it.  Unfortunately I failed to follow her advice and didn't write again for years.  At that time I wasn't strong or courageous enough in my personal life to ignore parental opposition.  I had to let life teach me about strength and courage....watching Aunt Stuff was a big part of that.  She is fearless.

Aunt Stuff, great hurricane fighter, fisherwoman and philosopher.  She is that woman who will die fighting an oil rig fire in her nineties.  She knows the right things to say, and doesn't hesitate to say them.   She keeps her sense of balance strong by never forgetting who she is and what her passions are.  Unless you want a fiery speech that Winston Churchill would be envious of, don't mention politics, even if you agree with her..  Unless you are completely without sense never mention Oklahoma in the same breath as her beloved Longhorns, don't leave the dinner table without talking about football....and never forget Texans invented Barbecue.  She always said it takes a special kind of crazy to bury your food in the ground for 24 hours, covered with mesquite wood and then eat it with sauce the family argued and fought over for as long as you could remember.

Aunt Stuff is a character, and life is filled with characters......they are what makes life so much fun!!!

The Ripple Effect

I found out that a dear friend passed away today.  I knew it was coming, she wrote about it often and bravely. (Craigandmichele.blogspot.com)

But that didn't make the finality of her passing any less painful.  I was away all day and when I got home my oldest son told me of her passing, he knew her well also, her children, my children...we are all intertwined.  After he told me I did what we all do nowadays, I went on Facebook and read hundreds of posts.  Then my younger son called....a mom died.  Someone's mom that he knew very well.  Children his same age...a mom his mother's age.  Mortality is real.

I read the condolences, all written for a life well lived.  This could have happened to any of us.  We all know that.....Her last blog post was simply profound, she explained death in a way I had never thought of before.  Although it didn't lessen our loss, it was a balm of Gilead, and so poignant that it came from her.  I am going to print that last blog to put on my desk.  I am grateful I knew her, and knew her well.  We worked on articles together, she critiqued my writing, encouraged me to continue...to write!!  We spoke of precious things, sacred things.  She shared some of her deepest heartaches with me as we traveled a similar road for a while.  We spoke more than once how grateful we were "in it together" so to say.  To have someone truly understand a difficult path is a gift, and we both felt it.

I will miss her, but so, so many will miss her.  Hers, was truly, a life well lived.

But then something else occurred.  Something completely unexpected....I am member of a group of women on Facebook called "The Women of Midlife".  It is a group of amazingly talented women who write, market, publish, troubleshoot and support.  I love to write and this group gives me permission to write and fail, to write and succeed.  To laugh with me, cry with me, pout, get angry or simply just throw things.  I am intimidated to no end by these women because they are what my daddy would call, "real writers.....you know the ones who get published."  And I am...well, not published.  But it doesn't matter, they still let me sit at the big kids table and talk about self-publishing, and book tours and being on TV and radio...and the internet.  I love reading about their agents and dead raccoons, being on TV with people I have actually heard of.  So tonight when one of these "real writers" said she was going to write a book I had to post about my friend Michele....

This is what I wrote.....

"After Lisa just posted she intended to write a book I knew I had to write to all of you.  A dear friend of mine died today.  A vibrant author, mother of 5, grandmother to lots and friend to all.  She was a writer of books, magazines, articles and music.  She chronicled her illness through her blog for the past couple of years.  Her last post was Saturday, she wasn't bitter about dying, but very sad to leave her family.  If she was writing to you right now she would tell you to write, write that book, article, essay, whatever...but write!!  We all have goals hidden down under our angst, or tucked away from our confidence.  You can sit for an hour every day and put your words down.  You can!!  If you can work out for an hour, or blow up Facebook for an hour, or text or shop or watch TV you can spend an hour writing.  My friend left behind a great deal of work, an amazing legacy which leads me to wonder if I will achieve my goals, or just talk about them?"

Here is the amazing part, I immediately recievied an outpouring of love from so many of the women....so many!  Such beautiful sentiments and cyber hugs....Michele's death was personal to me....but by way of the nexus of friendship her death touched women she never knew.

It's called the Ripple effect...

"The Ripple effect is based on the understanding that we are all connected.  These connections stretch like an incredibly interwoven and complicated tapestry.  Each of us exists within this tapestry.  Thoughts and actions are like stones dropped in a pond and they create ripples that travel outward."  (http://humanityhealing.org/who-we-are/the-ripple-effect/)

We are all connected, whether we want to admit that or not.....I am connected to Michele and in a Facebook post I connected her to other women and they accepted the connection....  

I have put a note on my computer, "an hour for Michele"......I will write an hour a day for her.  It doesn't have to be profound...it just has to be an hour.  

To my close friends who are sad at Michele's passing, we were so blessed!!  And that will never go away.  

Ponder the ripple effect, because no matter how quiet you think you are living your life, you are creating ripples....we are all much bigger than we realize.

We just need to know one thing, where are your ripples heading?

In memory of Michele Garvin...her legacy is long.  

To the nasty little crone who lives in my head....

Yeah, that's right, there is a nasty little crone who lives in my head.  I keep her tied up and gagged most of the time, but every once in a while she escapes and darts out of my mouth before I can stop her.

For instance the famous altercation between the crone and a particularly unpleasant woman at a Wednesday church class of all places, who wanted to meet me in the parking lot.  The crone was out of line, she didn't have to suggest the woman's parents were never married, but once she said that I had to defend her. Or watch her get pummeled.

Then there was the referee at a volleyball game.
The principal at the high school
The home developer who wanted to build a shopping mall too close to our home, the crone went crazy over that one
My husband's employee who had all of our mail forwarded to the football hall of fame after he was fired.  (if that wasn't so clever I would have been mad too)
A certain football coach of my son's that I had to save from the Crone's threat of baldness and impotence
The unfortunate confrontation at the DMV.  The crone asked if this one particular employee got up that morning with the intent of ruining everyone's day.
The woman at the Scout office who had the Crone fired from a volunteer job!

There are other situations so I don't need to go on and on.  It has not been easy keeping the crone under wraps when all she wants to do is rant.  She sees one thing out of line (oh please don't bring up politics!) and makes the day very interesting for everyone.

And then there was yesterday.  I was watching the movie produced by my church (we are fabulous at short vignettes - used to motivate or uplift.  there is one for almost anything, from death, divorce, illness, being bullied, being a leader....all of them amazingly well done and fun to watch)
But yesterday I watched one that didn't live up to usual clever writing, great filming and entertainment.  The whole movie was about 8 minutes long and I didn't like 30 seconds of it.  Not too bad right?

The crone took it much harder and far more serious than I did.

The upshot of the movie is service.  And particularly the service of one young mother of 3 small children.  No matter what plans she had someone or something got in the way.  Ever had a day like that?  How about almost every day, right?  Her whole game plan was to get through the day, greet a babysitter that evening and drive to the airport to meet a cousin who had a layover.  With all she did she deserved a break to visit a family member!!  She had quite a day, she gave in to her daughters demand for a different breakfast,  as they were walking out of the house they had to stop and help her son finish a procrastinated science project.  A friend came by to ask if she would watch her little girl while she went to the doctor when her sitter fell out.....and still everything was going ok, she was still going to make it to the airport until she remembered a dinner promised to a family that had just had a baby.  Crisis on chaos when she forgot to turn the oven on which put her another hour behind....when she finally delivered the dinner her cousin's plane took off and she didn't get to see her.  The scene of her coming back into her home dejectedly with a text that said "next time" was hard to watch.

I have been there....many, many times.  Is it bad time management?  The inability to say no?  Not thinking of a pizza delivery when that dinner wasn't ready?  The crone was apoplectic. Say no!  Have boundaries!!!  Get a pizza or a rotisserie chicken....but miss the cousin?  It was too much.

The message of the movie is service is good, and it's true, we never know how important we are to other people.  Our heroine saved the day for her daughter, her son, the woman who needed to go to the doctor and the family she brought dinner to.  And that message is valid....

So what ticked off the Crone so very much?

I have been (and I daresay the crone also) the recipient of service on service.  Dinners have come to my home when my parents died, when I had babies, when I had miscarriages, when I had a broken leg....I have had checks left on my porch when my children were serving missions, plates of cookies, bread, jam...candy, friends have come by to clean my house when I was ill, friends helped my children with dorm room supplies, taken them to lunch when they happened to be in the same town my children were in....slipped them some money....service?  It is amazing, and makes you feel loved, cared about and important.  My friends are family.

So what ticked off the Crone so very much?

The crone wanted that young mom to go to the airport to see her cousin.  She had given her entire day to other people...not one time that day did she ask for anything.  The crone was mad because it wasn't fair (and the young mom wasn't fast enough to think o

f take out pizza when the dinner failed)

I stopped the crone for awhile but then she got on Facebook where she found lots of women wondering the same thing she did.  They were mad.  I am a whole lot older than the young mom and I have been in this situation a million times.  So I could have warned her to watch the clock, do as much as you can, but when you run out of options...for heaven's sake, punt!!

I wanted to be in that kitchen with the uncooked casserole and the harried mom and tell her to not worry.....a pizza is fine.  In fact, sometimes it is way more appealing than a casserole.  I would have told her to take a deep breath and remember how much she had done that day and it was ok to change a plan, and still make it to the airport.  But I wouldn't have discounted the importance of service, or that sometimes it is inconvenient.....

The upshot of the movie was how important she had been that day to so many people.

And she never knew.

I have written many times that we rarely know how important we are to people.  I remember the mother of a child I taught tell me that I probably never think about them, but they pray for me every night.  It took my breath away.  Sometimes things are much bigger than we are.

There is an amazing scripture that says, "Ye have not applied your hearts to understanding, therefore, ye have not been wise.  Therefore, what teach ye this people?"

Simple, isn't it?  Be smart and be prayerful about what you can do and then follow your impressions.  Trust yourself.

Once again, the crone went too far......she usually does.