Not a lot of words, Wednesday....

I live in the desert, it is a hard place to make things beautiful....being from Texas I don't like not having flowers...so years ago we made a deal with our yard.....actually we made a deal with the University that they could use our front yard and we would basically do what they told us to do. We had put in a Wetlands.......the first residential constructed wetlands in Nevada....and so our yard was a great fit for wild experiments. They simply wanted us to not use pesticides, and not to augment the soil. We had to see what would really grow here. So they brought in experimental plants and we dug the holes, Sometimes having to jackhammer to make the holes big enough. This ground is hard and rocky.....a true challenge. My front porch.....
And so now the flower show starts.....all of these pictures are of the front yard. I just wanted you to see the colors, and the possibilities of drought tolerant plants.






This is the most beautiful plant, the flowers look like wisteria, but of course, it isn't....it does freeze, but all four of mine came back, after a lot of time.....most everything starts greening up in April, this one and the bougainvilleas didn't really start going until June. It does pay to be patient.
Verbena is always a must
You can't see this very well, but this is an African Sumac that volunteered in this place, so my husband bent it way over and tied it down to train it to watch over the wetlands....
the Cannas are what we have in the wetlands right now, we took out all the cattails and the curly willow. Too invasive. I which we had hundreds of different kinds and colors of cannas, but maybe some time.
Another African Sumac, they volunteer everywhere because we mulch the entire front of our yard. In fact so much volunteers that I plant and replant all the time.

The original African Sumac....love the trunks on these treesSee the purple? It is called purple heart and I got it out of a woman's yard I had admired. She just handed it to me and now I have it all over. In the bottom of my pots, in the yard, in water, in the wetlands, everywhere.
This is my favorite bougainvillea, it grows up around the mailbox, the mail man hates it, but I don't have the heart to cut it. It comes back every year.
And here it is again....
I love it....
purple heart and creeping myrtle.....I got the creeping myrtle from a friend, and now it is also everywhere.
Russian sage (smells heavenly) and purple ruella growing inside of it. They were both volunteers.....
Next to the purple buddies is California fuchsia, which absolutely takes over......and the start of the pumpkin story...

Last year we went to Sacramento with the Holley's and we went o every farmers market there was. my husband got several gourds and pumpkins and harvested the seeds......here is what he did with them.......
They are everywhere
all across the front of the yard.....


Is this wild? It goes right across the steps in front of our house.....and there are so many pumpkins and gourds.....just crazy....I wanted to share the fall in the desert....our imagination and a shovel....

Special Investgator Stuff

A blog from an earlier time....

I  missed a call yesterday because I was face-timing my daughter (talk about looking old, I cannot find a place in my house where the lighting is good enough to keep from looking like Strega Nona) so I just sent one of those throw away lines that our new phones let us do.  You know, sorry I missed your call, call back, something like that.  The missed call sent a text right back...OK.

This morning I was returning calls and I sent a text to the missed cell number asking if 10am was Ok to talk.  I didn't know if it was a Planning Commission thing, a catering thing or directions to the end of the rainbow.

This is the text I received....

"I would like to speak in person at a location of your choosing and talk for ten to fifteen minutes.  Thank you, John Henderson, Special Investigator."

Holy Cats....

To which I replied, "You have the wrong person"

"Is this Donna Tagliaferri?"

Oh crap.

What have we done to warrant a visit from a special investigator?  I am about as subversive as Donald Duck but that doesn't mean I wasn't sleep walking, or someone has my identity, or an evil twin....Suddenly I am in a Robert Ludlum novel.  To make it worse the voice mail he left cut off just as he was saying what he needed from me, so I was stumped...but intrigued, I have to admit, I was intrigued.

So I called right back, screw waiting for 10am.

"Mr. Henderson?  This is Donna Tagliaferri, you called me about a matter that requires a special investigator?"

Then he went on to tell me a friend had put me down as a reference.  Mr. Henderson works for the government, the federal government and the security branch of the federal government at that.  The security branch of the government that decides who gets to know all the best secrets.  He was trying to find out if I thought she was fit for that kind of responsibility.

I am drunk with power.

My friend was being investigated because she had recently been given a promotion and a new security clearance.  I knew she had just been given a promotion, but I didn't know she was replacing Eric Snowden. Well, she isn't replacing Eric Snowden actually, but it kind of felt like it  We agreed to meet at my house (seemed less scary) at 10am.

At exactly 10am Mr. Henderson appeared at my house, badge in hand.  I scrutinized it carefully (when would I get this chance again?) and let him in.

My very first question for him was, "Tell the truth, how much fun do you have scaring the crap out of people with that special investigator stuff"

He laughed and it turns out Mr Henderson is a really nice, very interesting man.  He told me all about his days as an interrogator in the military.  Seems he was very big in body language.  I told him I had recently listened very closely to an expert in body language (Jack@Bodylanguagesuccess.com)  for an entire hour.   I now consider myself an expert and I pointed out to him that he was steepling his fingers...

....which all the best body language experts will tell you means he is confident and honest (what great qualities for an ex-interrogator and a present day special investigator!)

Guess what?  Mr. Henderson knew that....seems he studied body language for a long, long time.  I asked him if he played poker, he could tell in a second what kind of hand everyone had.  He assured me he never gambles.  He told me how he would get people to confess...first they have to have something to drink.  Evidently guilty people have dry mouths and it makes it hard for them to talk.  Water or a soda is necessary to cut the dryness in their mouths caused by, well, guilt.  But isn't that true?  On every police show the first thing they offer the about-to-be-grilled-person is something to drink, right?  Now we are all on to them.  The next time you are arrested and the police offers you a beverage, fahgettaboudit!!!  

Your welcome...

After a bit more chit chat we got to the questions...I was holding my friends career in my hands...

Drunk with power...

He asked me some typical questions...honesty, trustworthiness...then he asked me if I knew of any subversive groups she belonged to.  "You mean outside the bowling alley?"

Any foreign countries she may be particularly loyal to?  "That country from the Princess Diaries."

And then the big one, does she exhibit any behavior that might be suspicious?  I stopped him, leaned in real close and said...

"Yes"

"She scrapbooks"

At this point Mr. Henderson was pretty much finished.  So I told him all the things the body language expert had revealed in our class.

On 60 minutes Eric Snowden was telling the truth in his interview.  I don't know what he said, but it was true.

The police in the Oscar Pistorious case are lying.

Hillary is definitely going to run.  He showed different body language movements she made that gave it away to him.

Jack, the body language guy, showed a clip of Bill Clinton being asked if Hillary would rather be a grandmother or the President.  From the movements he made Jack said, "I knew at that moment that Chelsea was pregnant because of how Bill reacted to the question.  Every part of his body language was, "I have a secret, I can't tell...oh no..." they were classic non-verbal communications.

But the best part was analyzing the hug.  A sincere hug is "heart to heart".  Think about it, when you hug someone your heart is situated over the heart of the hugee.   That is a sincere, caring and authentic hug.  So if you get one of those counterfeit kind of awkward hugs, it means nothing.

According to our body expert, who had a gazillion-bazillion degrees, we are all a little transparent.

A little?

As for me, I  have been practicing steepling my hands.

Coventry Health, Coventry Health Are You Listening?

Last May my son graduated from college with a job.  He was thrilled, it wasn't his dream job, not even a job in the area he eventually wants to work, but a job.  Since our health care insurance did not cover him or my daughter, even though they are under 26 (see me about this later) he needed  health insurance until his new coverage began.

No worries...easy to do.  We called an outfit named InsureMonkey and they found the best policy for him with a group called Coventry Health. Again, it was all handled over the phone, easy to do.  His policy would be 117.19 a month taken out of my account since he didn't have checks, and then he would transfer that payment to me every month, which he did.  Again, no worries, easy to do.

The first month they took out 117.19 on the specified day.  Two days later they took out 534.68

Now the account they sabotauged is set aside just for bills.  The account I keep my inheritance, lottery wins and ransom demands are in another account.  So this debit caused a domino effect of epic proportions.  Bank fees in one day were astronomical.  Luckily for me Wells Fargo immediately reversed everything.  InsureMonkey helped with Coventry and the money was reimbursed 2 weeks later.

The next month Coventry took out 117.19 on the specified day.  Two days later they took out 330.00

See the above paragraph for the triage we went through yet again.

The third month Coventry took out 117.19   And that was it!  They finally got it, all is well

The fourth month my son's new insurance began so Coventry needed to be cancelled.

For the next three months they took out 117.19.  Each month specifying to me a new paper that needed to be filled out, or a date not met, paperwork from the new employer that he indeed had insurance (still don't know why they needed that) and each time we would have to have a 3 way conversation because of course they couldn't speak with me about him.  Why didn't he do it?  He was working in a retail environment for sometimes 15 hours a day and couldn't be holding on the phone for 45 minutes. (average wait time)  They were open 9-5 Monday through Friday he was off only on Sunday

so I helped him...

At the end of the four months they finally reimbursed him the three months they took after he had cancelled and our relationship with Coventry Health was over.  They did not chose to reimburse the fees from my overdraft that I felt they should have, but I counted it all good that we were finally free from this experience.

So imagine my surprise on Friday when Coventry Health out of nowhere deposited 117.19 in my account twice!

I may take my time informing them of the mistake they made.  Perhaps they will have to wait on the phone for 45 minutes while I form an enormous hoop for them to jump through.  And then I will tell them they missed the deadline.

Coventry Health are you listening?  You overpaid me...I think you did, let me check my records....I will get back to you.

Memory Fail and My Personal Cure

I sat down at my computer and saw my debit card.  I have seen my debit card before so that wasn't unusual.  But I don't see it at my computer unless I have paid a bill with it.

What bill did I pay?

If I paid a bill, did I note it somewhere?

Why can't I remember?

Why is my memory so bad that the only thing I never forget to do is eat?  Somehow that memory never fades.  But I am forgetting so many things that I frighten myself.  You know that fear...it creeps up behind you and scares the crap out of you when you least expect it.  It's the fear you face when you are late and you cannot find the keys.  And you forgot to get new ones made so you only have one set.  And running there is not an option.

It's that fear when you forget a very important appointment....I mean totally forget.  And when you remember the blood drains from your body in seconds, breathing is no longer an option and your brain says, "sorry baby can't help you here, you are on your own."

Then you start to think this is just the beginning.  Soon you will be wearing your underwear on the outside of your clothes, talking to imaginary friends and eating food with a spoon.  The circle of life is coming together and a senior rendition of the terrible two's is on the horizon.  Although I don't remember my terrible two's and there is no one presently living who can fill me in on that particular stage of my life, I do remember my children's terrible two's.  Personally, I didn't find it to be an inspiring time, but  they seemed to enjoy the hell out of it.

Positive parts of terrible two's...
1.) the entire world was at their feet.  I did everything I could to make them happy.  If they ever fell asleep I simply put a blanket over them and called it good.  If none of us had slept the night before and they wanted pop tarts and cheerios for breakfast, great idea, oatmeal tomorrow.  If they wanted to watch the same disney show 70 times in a row, it happened.  I was experiencing Stockholm Syndrome...I did as I was told,

2.) They wore whatever they wanted.  If I spent hours matching things up at Gymboree so they would be the cutest things at the playground but they wouldn't budge until I let them wear the same thing one more day or else, well, Gymboree on the floor and plaid jumper with green shirt and cowboy boots it is.

3.) Shopping was rarely an option.  I grew tired of comforting old women my 2 year old son scared the crap out of.  He thought it was so funny to be very quiet and then raise up from the shopping cart and  roar at the top of his lungs when unsuspecting people walked by.  And that's why we ate pop tarts and cheerios as much as we did.

4.) We never made it out of the church foyer on Sunday mornings.  One very bad day my son crawled the entire length of the chapel, pew by pew....folks looked like bobble head dolls as he made his way to the front.  I sprinted to where I thought he would emerge, waited, scooped him up and ran to the foyer....where I remained for about 7 years.

So my memory fail is starting to look like a new stage in my life.  I can eat what I want when I want, cry at the drop of a hat for no reason,  maybe for attention, maybe because I am hungry, maybe I don't like what I am eating....maybe I just don't like you, I don't need a reason.  I can sleep anywhere, at anytime.  I can scare people, roaring may not be effective but perhaps a fake heart attack?  Just to keep everyone honest about their feelings for me.  If it looks like I'm dying and one of my children whispers in my ear, "where's the key to the safety deposit box?" instead of dialing 911 we will know the new direction of the will.  Oh, and don't forget this one...I don't have to pick up my toys and I never have to share.

This is shaping up to be a great time of life...for the memory fail I will add a couple of calendars and a few more alarms reminding me of things I really better get done.  As for the rest?  Why not embrace the horror?  Make lemonade out of the whole thing?

Now what did I come in here for?

Who Said So???

I have been formally trained in so few areas that a good fortune cookie is probably more effective than what I could offer.  Except for one thing, at this point in my life I have learned a great deal about wisdom.  Wisdom occurs through trial and error, it isn't really learned as much as it is absorbed.  Sort of like osmosis.   And I am a student of life, just living life teaches me so much of what I really need to know.  For instance, my husband gave me the greatest gift yesterday...he fixed the sink.   We have been living with this broken sink for a long time.  That broken sink was a metaphor for so much. From our health to broken sinks to that "funny sound" the car makes, we put things off until we reach a place of "no return".  So many things were wrong with the sink, but it was still useable.  The faucet was broken, but if you did this and bent that way and were careful with this part, it still worked.  The air gap thing was plugged for some reason so the water from the dishwasher spurted out into the sink.  So three times during a dishwasher cycle it sounded like a pipe was broken.  And from an earlier flood the shelf underneath the sink was warped.  But we walked around it, used it broken because we didn't have the money to fix it, didn't have the time to fix it and besides it still worked.  Looking at that broken sink made me feel poor, and that is a negative feeling.  But looking at the fixed sink makes me feel so good.

Sound familiar?  There is a great scripture that talks about the "natural man being an enemy to God"  What that means to me is God is good, patient, kind, loving and every other positive quality you can think of, and well, man isn't.  But that's not a bad thing.  We have weaknesses so we can overcome them....which makes us strong.  Case in point, a tiny bird pecks its way out of an egg, what happens if you try to help that baby bird?  It dies because the act of pecking its way out of the egg gives it the strength to live.  This earth life can be a hard one, there is sickness, and wars, and poverty and problems galore.  We have to be strong enough to handle them, so we are given weakness to overcome so that we are strong.  For instance a weakness is anger, the natural man gives in to anger, but as we progress and learn to control it our lives improve.  The worst story I ever about anger occurred near my home.  A driver cut another driver off on the freeway.  Instead of ignoring a mistake, the 'cut off' driver reacted very badly.  He aggressively followed the first driver honking his horn, getting right up on the bumper and scaring the first driver so much she called her boyfriend for help.  He told her to get off the freeway and he would meet her at a nearby carwash.  With the 'cut off' driver in pursuit they all arrived at the car wash with tempers flaring, a fight started.  One man pushed the other man who tripped and fell backwards, in a freakish accident he hit his head on a concrete planter and died.  If the cut off driver had simply accepted a mistake and used some forgiveness tragedy would have been avoided.

When we give in to anger, addictions, procrastination and a million other things that weigh us down we are just going to a default state.  We are naturally a mess....but we can work at overcoming our weaknesses thereby becoming strong.  Very few people are naturally disciplined. There isn't a magic spell, or a pill you can take....you just do it.  I remember Oprah doing this whole show on discipline.  She could not figure out why she was still heavy when she had everything at her disposal to be thin.   In the end she concluded, "disciplined people are disciplined because they do it".

Addictions can be conquered, positive outlooks can claim the day, anger can be conquered, books can be written and problems can be solved.  When we stop the self loathing and realize our weaknesses have been given to us to make us strong.  When our perception changes we want to conquer.  Have you ever heard anyone explain away bad behavior by saying, "That's just the way I am."?  Nonsense!! That is just an excuse. And not a very good one.   I have been so tempted to give up because the mountain seems to high to climb. Inertia taps me on the shoulder and whispers, "just give up and give in, this is too hard." It is up to me to listen to that voice or to my "better angels".  My better angels encourage, while inertia discourages.  My better angels sing with the voice of positive songs, inertia is negative.  A positive outlook is simply your mind mastering negative energy and thoughts.  It is your choice.

Ted talks are not given about the folks who give up, they are given about the ones who refused to take no for an answer.  Who refuse to give in the "Natural man".

There is a great Ted talk about the Wright Brothers (Simon Sinek - Start with Why) and a man named Simon Pierpont Langley.  I am taking it directly from the transcript.  

"Samuel Pierpont Langley was given $50,000 by the War Department to figure out this flying machine.  Money was no problem.  He held a seat at Harvard and worked at the Smithsonian and was extremely well connected.  He knew all the big minds of the day.  He hired the best minds money could find and the market conditions were fantastic.  The New York Times followed him around everywhere and everyone was rooting for Langley.   Then how come we have never heard of Samuel Pierpont Langley?  A few hundred miles away in Dayton, Ohio lived Orville and Wilbur Wright.  They had none of what we consider to be the recipe for success.  
They had no money, they paid for their dream with the proceeds from their bicycle shop.  Not a single person the Wright Brothers' team had a college education.  Not even Orville or Wilbur.  And the New York Times followed them around nowhere.  The difference was that Orville and Wilbur were driven by a cause, a purpose, a belief.  They believed that if they could figure out this flying machine, it will change the course of the world.
Samuel Pierpont Langley was different.  He wanted to be rich and he wanted to be famous.  He was in pursuit of the result, he was in pursuit of the riches and lo and behold look what happened.  The people who believed in the Wright Brothers' dream worked with them with blood, sweat and tears.  The others worked for the paycheck.  And they tell stories about how every time the Wright Brothers's went out, they would have to take five sets of parts because that's how many times they would crash before they came in for supper.  And eventually on December 17, 1903 the Wright brothers took flight and no one was there to even experience it.  We found out about it a few days later.  

And further proof that Langley was motivated by the wrong thing - the day the Wright Brothers took flight, he quit.  He could have said, "That's an amazing discovery guys and I will improve upon your technology." But he didn't.  He wasn't first, he didn't get rich, he didn't get famous, so he quit.  people don't buy what you do, they buy why you do it.  And if you talk about what you believe, you will attract those who believe what you believe."

Orville and Wilbur weren't listening to the natural man, they were listening to something bigger and better and look what they accomplished!  I know I am facing an enormous challenge.  Starting over in life when popular beliefs are telling us we should be done, we should retire, we are too old...give up, is not easy.  The natural man whispers things to me about how much easier my life would be if I would just quit.  Thankfully just as I am about to, just when I think I don't have one more step something happens to give me hope.  Something as small as the sink getting fixed.  God wants me to succeed.  And if you don't believe in God then believe that nature wants you to succeed.  Look at the bird pecking its way out of the egg, the salmon swimming upstream, whales migrating to warmer waters...the evidence is clear, the earth is here for you to be happy, safe, warm and secure.  And the preferred path God or nature has prepared for you is a great one.

You find it when you believe you can.

Flowers For Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays....the colors are warm, the times are sweet, the food is good, and we stop just briefly.....just for a moment......for gratitude.

This is my husband's work, he used all my favorite colors....

If you would like to order any of these arrangements, let me know.

As my grandmother would say in the deepest of drawls, "She seems like a nice girl, but does she set a good table?"

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

A Tribute to the Family

My Girls at Thanksgiving

After a football game 

 Wordless Wednesday is a treat.  I never thought my life would include such incredible people.  I love them so much...so very, very much.

Football and Cheer

worlds silliest dog - Hudson

Trey and Ashleigh - I love my kids

Christmas Dinner

Trey in Costa Rica on his mission

Raymond and Emma after a football game

The infamous Shrimp and pesto Pizza

Some of Ray Ray's Work

Raymond and Mikey

High School Emma as the Queen!!

After the temple

My beautiful friends!!

Love these women

Peaches!!!

High School Emma 

Sadie and Hudson

We Both Like Tomatoes

I grew up in Kemah Texas about thirty miles south of Houston, right on the Galveston Bay. My grandmother Minnie lived next door with my grandfather, the noble Horace, and his mother., Mee-Maw, lived out back of their house in the cutest little cottage by the chickens and the grapes.  My Aunt Alene and Uncle Hugh lived across the street with my three crazy cousins, Michael, David and Craig. I was my grandmother's only granddaughter, a very good position to have.

My grandparents had a business in their home and employed lots of folks.  These people were wildly divergent, they were from China and Mexico, French people from Louisiana (that is also where my Mee-Maw was from) and one person from Oklahoma....which according to my grandfather was a very bad place to be from....and that's another story. Then there were the women who worked in the house and took care of me.  It didn't occur to me that we were all that different. We ate together, worked together and laughed together.....I thought we were the same.  

And then I got a little older, and realized the world looked at people differently than I did.

One day my dad took me to the quarter horse races. It was a great time, with lots of Barbecue and as many cokes as I wanted.  It was also the first time I saw a sign that said, "white bathroom" and then another sign that said "colored bathroom".  And the same sign over the drinking fountains... White drinking fountains, colored drinking fountains.  I didn't understand what that meant but didn't ask anyone. I felt like I had walked in on a big secret, a really confusing secret.  Our personal histories dictate how we react to life and my history was I loved the people I grew up with...my crazy cousins, my uncle Homer who drank all the time, Tom from China who grew the most beautiful roses, the men who took care of the horses, the women who worked for my grandmother.....they were all family. But these signs stated that half the people in my life couldn't drink out of the same water fountain, or use the same bathroom as I did.  It made no sense.  And then one day the answer came in a way a 6 year old could understand. My mother and I were taking Rosie, a woman who worked for us, home.  After we dropped her off we went into a black grocery store and my mother handed a brown paper bag to me so I could pick out some tomatoes.  I started putting them in the bag and as I was getting the last one I needed a black woman reached for the same tomato.  She pulled her hand back in deference to me.  Everything seemed to stop for a minute and then a voice came into my head...."See?  you aren't different, you both like tomatoes."  That was the way a simple truth was taught to me.

I wish we were further ahead, we can always be better, but it isn't what it was.

Three ways to Fix a Mistake.

I made a mistake.  I am not talking mistake like a sin kind of mistake...like I accidentally slept with my husband's best friend.  Or I mistakenly robbed a bank..I made a mistake. And even though everything turned out fine I could not get past what almost happened.  The pain I felt was tangible, I turned it over and over in my head until I was sick with what "almost happened".  I couldn't make a logical move and I lost confidence in myself.  But then after a good deal of castigation, I heard a voice as clear as can be say. "forgive yourself, forget it, move on...I have already paid the price for this."  It was a voice I inherently trusted and the awful feeling I had went away.  It was a relief of epic proportions to not have that awful feeling.  But as an added gift this experience also taught a pattern to follow for future mistakes.  Sometimes our mistakes are simple and easily fixed, sometimes not.  But this pattern works for all of them and is easy, real, and true.

1.) Forgive yourself.  You must accept that everyone makes mistakes, we were never built to be perfect.  We get fatigued, or ill, or just confused and we make mistakes.  Realize that and stop blaming yourself.  You would forgive someone else so offer that same gift to yourself.  Accept imperfection in yourself and enjoy the wonderful feeling of forgiveness.  

2.) Forget about it.  Easier said than done?  Well, lets really get to it.  You won't forget it because you think you deserve to feel badly, like some weird penance.  That is a false belief.  Making mistakes is part of this mortal journey, but you don't have to list it on your resume. Remember what caused the mistake, note it, and then forget you screwed the pooch.  

3.) Move on.  I use visulization of myself actually moving on....try it.  To back this up there are quite a few old adages about "getting back on the horse".   So I do.  Get back on the horse that is.

If you have messed up at work, go right back to it with renewed vigor and be great at what you do.  Messed up with a relationship?  Made a subtraction mistake on a tax return?  Honestly deal with it, be straight forward and honest.  Accept responsibility for what occurred and move on.  Another adage?  The truth will set you free...it really will.  I tell the truth and I can look people in the eye, sleep well at night and expect good things to happen.  Good guys do not finish last.

These three steps will help you with processing a mistake without overreacting and wasting time.  It does take practice, but it will work.  I promise.

Celebrating Choice

Yesterday my Facebook page was filled with concerned women commenting on a speech President Obama gave in Rhode Island.  His thesis was to expand pre-schools because he firmly believes all children should be attending mandated preschools.  But what was very surprising is the reason he gave.

"Sometimes, someone, usually mom, leaves the workplace to stay home with the kids, which then leaves her earning a lower wage for the rest of her life as a result.  And that's not a choice we want Americans to make."

The women on my Facebook page took exception to his assertion that staying home and raising children was not a choice he wants Americans to make.  I didn't focus on that but on the fact he feels women will make a lower wage for the rest of their lives if they stay home with their children.  That is patently untrue.  If he could visit me for a few days I would show him the women in my part of the world who could and do prove that wrong.  While raising children they finished college or other training and when they decided it was good for the family went to work teaching school, family counseling, nursing, personal trainer, selling insurance, politics and fund raising.  I am sure I am leaving some of their occupations out.  Four women I know started their own businesses.  Three women went into a new business with their husband.  I know three women who own pre-schools and have run them for years.  One woman sells make-up so successfully that she has a car!  Another has devoted a tremendous amount of time learning everything she could about healing, well being and essential oils.  She teaches classes in four states and is starting a personal life coaching business from that.  These are all amazing women, but I don't see them as particularly unusual. They spent their time raising children doing productive things and learning skills they could use later on.  Or they kept up the skills they had previous to having children.  Hairdressers to attorneys they did all kinds of things.   From my experience of moving a beltway that threatened to take my home and 45 others I was asked to sit on a town board which I did for ten years.  After that I was appointed to Planning Commissioner which I have done the last 6 years.  During my stay at home with children I put in the first residential constructed wetlands in Nevada, which led to a place on the Springs Preserve Board, an absolutely amazing project.  I also encouraged my children to finish college, the youngest is a senior this year.  All of them paid for college themselves, we helped when we could but they worked, got pell grants, a few scholarships and loans.

When the recession in Las Vegas took all of our investments and savings my husband and I started a catering business.  I can safely say it is the hardest work I have ever done, but we will not give up.  We are too old to start an entry level job and too young and poor to retire.  We had to start a business and many of my catering clients are people I have simply met along the way.

I thought President Obama was selling women short.......none I described are accepting a lower wage for the rest of their lives.  They are working hard and creating work.  Many of their businesses are creating jobs for other women.

I won't debate women who work and women who stay at home with children, that isn't what caught my attention.  When I had children I made a choice that was right for my family.....I chose.  And I am happy I did.  But staying home does not necessarily mean women will make a lower wage the rest of their lives......

Melgasbal Cuales

I am sure your Facebook page does the same thing mine does...suggests folks you could, or maybe should be friends with.  I am assuming it is in Facebooks best interest for you to be connected as possible so they are constantly suggesting friends.  Often, if not always, the suggestions make sense...a friend of a friend of a friend perhaps.  But for the past few days one name has consistently been in front of me...Melgasbal Cuales.  First of all I was intrigued by his name.  It has an old world explorer feel about it doesn't it?  Vasco De Gama, Ferdinand Magellan, Amerigo Vespucci and Melgasbal Cuales.

I have no idea why Facebook thinks we should be friends.  I explored his page out of curiosity as to what we would have in common.  Facebook knows all, surely there is some connection, right?

Melgasbal is an elderly man from the Philippines.  What could we possibly have in common?  There is no information about him except for his current residence, Las Vegas, and his past residence...Philippines.  From what I can gather he doesn't speak English and is married to a woman that looks just like him.  Also he has a huge smile and great teeth.
I am intrigued as to why Facebook suggested a friendship between us.  I am sure there is some statistical, analytical reason why....blah, blah, blah.  I would rather think the universe is reminding me of diversity and acceptance.  And that a wonderful smile is pleasing to everyone, regardless of space or time.

So today on this first day of November I am thankful for differences, acceptance and gratitude for the challenges I have been encountered.

Differences I have encountered have given me moments to pause and consider another point of view.

Acceptance has bridged gaps and given love a place to laterally move.

And gratitude for challenges?  I have been given a front row seat to what I can do in the worst of times and the best of times.

Happy November Melgasbal Cuales!!  Thank you for giving me a moment to be thankful.

A story of 2 women

This is a story of two women, one I have cherished a friendship with my entire adult life and the other woman I only met last night.

Amy is an amazing friend, I have known her a million years.  We met when I went into the family business.  My family business is gambling...my grandfather and grandmother were casino owners, my father dealt craps when he was 16 standing on a coke box in Kemah Texas.  I came from a long line of card and dice folks.  When we moved to Las Vegas I was only 13, but I knew more about games of chance than I did fairy tales.  Since Amy also worked in the casino as the personal assistant of the owner, we would sit after work and talk about everything.  And we bonded....No one in this world makes me laugh more and harder than she does.  Amy went on to do one interesting thing after another.  She was the first woman to sit on the Boxing Commission in Nevada.  Amy led the commission to not reinstate Mike Tyson's boxing license even though a fight of that stature represents about 12 million dollars for our city.  Brave?  I think so. She kept going and became an incredible fund raiser.  Raising more money for the democratic party in Nevada than anyone ever had, over 100 million dollars for politicians and charitable causes.  She built on her success starting a business called the "Zen Speaker." (www.thezenspeaker.com/)

Specializing in helping clients speak in public to their best ability.  In her words, "How to be calm, confident and compelling in the spotlight."  Everyone wants that, everyone needs that.  I recently attended a 6 week seminar she gave and in my class was a boxing referee, a woman from Metro, an intuitive, someone who worked for "Make a Wish" and the legal counsel for a child advocacy program.  Fascinating people are attracted to her, they always have been.

I know a lot about Amy, in fact I thought I knew everything.

Then one day she invited me to breakfast and told me there was something she needed to tell me.  Over bagels and cream cheese she told me a story I never thought I would hear from her.  She confided to me that she had been a victim of sex trafficking.  When she was very young, she had been forced into prostitution and was almost killed by the man who had trapped her.  I knew she had gone through some difficult times as a teenager, but never this.  It was time, she said, to go public with her story so that she could be a voice for so many who had lost theirs.  Amy wanted raped and abused women to know they could survive and flourish.  She had survived and wanted to look in the faces of girls and women and show them...not just tell them...that it can be done.

So she did, she shared her story in what has to be one of the bravest things I have ever seen.  The reaction was incredible.  She first spoke at the graduation of a  girls school, not coincidently the one she had attended while being a "challenging" teenager.   Her message was clear...don't be defined by the negative occurrences in your life.  Believe in yourself, believe in your potential and don't stop until you reach it.  Her many speaking engagements led Senator Harry Reid to appoint her to the national Commission to Eliminate Child Abuse and Neglect Fatalities and her appointment was later approved by Congress.

The first time I heard her story in public was one of the most emotional experiences I have  had.  I knew what she was going to say but I sobbed through it anyway.  How could my friend have gone through such a harrowing experience?  How could anyone be that evil to force her to do things so heinous?  How does anyone have that right?

That is her message, no one has the right.

So when she called and asked me to be her guest at the Anniversary dinner for the Rape Crisis Center I was happy to attend.  I grabbed my friend Betsey and off we went.

Which brings me to the second woman in this story, the keynote speaker from last night, Elizabeth Smart.

She was calm as she spoke but very strong and she mesmerized the crowd.  Although young she is incredibly articulate, extremely engaging and passionate about this cause of supporting and helping women who have been broken.  Amy told me later she is the introverts introvert, large crowds and speaking in front of people is very difficult for her.  When she was signing my book I told her my 12 year old son was on his way to scout camp when she was abducted.  He told me scout camp wasn't as important as going to Utah to help look for her.  Everyone looked for her....everyone.  When she began to tell her story she never equivocated, didn't back down from very uncomfortable facts.  She had been kidnapped and raped by one of the most evil people on Earth. She described a cleansing ritual, a mock marriage that was followed by a rape.  Looking at this incredibly beautiful, sweet woman I was rocked by the remembrance she had been 14 when it happened.  A completely innocent 14 year old child looking forward to nothing more serious than attending high school.

She said the question she is asked the most is "why didn't you try to escape?"  Her explanation?  "Everything my kidnappers told me came true."  So of course she would believe them when they told her if she tried to escape they would kill her and her family.  They told her no one wanted her anyway, and no one would believe her.  Of course she wanted to escape, of course she wanted to go home....but she knew they would kill her and her family.  When she was finally found and taken to the police station she thought the police wouldn't believe her.  She went though a scenario in her mind that jail would be much better than what she was currently experiencing.  The police held her in a small room with no explanation and she had no idea what was occurring. But then the door burst open and her father was standing there.  He shouted,  "Elizabeth is that really you?" Suddenly I knew why there was box of kleenex on every table...there wasn't a dry eye in that room.  A complete miracle, she was rescued! She received 3 standing ovations and the respect of every person there.  One thing she said will stay with me forever.  She wasn't angry.  She said "I have come to a place in my life where I'm not sorry for what happened and I don't pity myself.  I believe 100% in happy endings."  That went through my mind over and over.  Elizabeth Smart would not be defined by this incredible act of violence, but by her faith and the knowledge of her worth.

I never thought my friend Amy would have so much in common with Elizabeth Smart.....but she does.  And statistics will tell you there are a great many women out there with memories no one knows about.  Except for their attacker.

Lets do all we can to end this....lets make the punishment so severe that attackers think twice before they attack a woman, or a girl.... or anyone.

Thank you Elizabeth Smart for your example of courage, survival and hope, and thank you Amy Ayoub for your example of courage, survival and hope.

Oh, My....

This has been the busiest last four days...well, maybe not the busiest.  But far busier than I am comfortable with.  I don't mind working but I do mind working too much.  My grandmother would always say to me, "I am not afraid of work, I can lay down right beside it and go to sleep." I don't understand overachieving at things we don't have to overachieve on.

Like natural childbirth.

I tried it...it was awful!!  They lied to me, they said the childbirth process is beautiful...you don't need medication.  What a pile of excrement...I bought into all that focal point stuff only to discover it is hard to concentrate on focal points when you are screaming in pain.  I know it will not be written on your  tombstone that you endured natural childbirth.  Horrible pain versus one shot for total bliss?  Not really a coin toss in my book.

There are a lot of things I either bought into, or felt guilty that I didn't do.  It seems children who are put to bed at a decent hour each night, are no smarter or responsible than children who simply fell asleep on the floor.  Hey, don't judge, I put a blanket on them...

And then there was nursing.  I was a nursing mom because I had children when the La Leche League ruled the world of young moms.  If you didn't nurse your children you were not a good mother. Don't tell anyone but I did it because it was cheap and easy.  No bottles to wash and no formula to buy.  Bonus?  I looked like the perfect mom.   We were told cows milk is for calves and giving them milk was practically poison.  However, my children still got allergies, they got colds, and that stupid RSV thing (while I was nursing by the way).  Cure all?  Nope...

How about moms working?  There was a fence 10 miles high between working moms and stay at home moms.  For awhile the working moms were winning....what do you do?  They would ask...knowing I was obviously too stupid to actually get a job since all I did was wander around my house in my bathrobe.  I usually came back with my usual, "I am a rice farmer."  Then the stay at home moms won for awhile when it turned out being at home with children was actually rewarding.  Then too many working moms left the work force for the PTA....I remember volunteering with a woman who used to be some big deal at a hotel on the strip.  She started making it all work and serious...like our $500 fundraiser wasn't good enough.  She changed things around, raised $37,000 and put in a petting zoo....guess who had to feed the goats?

It seems all of our kids came out the same...with just as many problems and just as many successes.  What a lot of wasted time trying to decide who was right, not to mention a lot of hurt feelings.   I met a woman who told me she prayed about what she was supposed to do every day and assumed everyone else did too.  Who was she to judge someone's decision? That was simple brilliant logic.

Who is right and who is wrong?

And Martha Stewart with her revolution of being everything, doing everything and being perfect.  It was a relief when she went to jail, we could practically eat out of cans without feeling guilty it wasn't made from scratch.  Wasn't it amazing when we found out all those things she seemed to be doing herself was done by a staff?  Here I was chopping my wood and carrying my water and she was just pointing to things that needed to be done.  

Oh, Martha

Low fat, non fat, carbs are good, carbs are the devil, Protein only, vegans, vegetarians and juicers.   Do you know I found a notebook of my mothers after she had passed where she had carefully journaled, everything she  ate and how the diet she was on was working.  That is the only writing I have of hers....a journal of food she ate.

What is right and what is wrong?

It's all very clear now that
I don't know very much, and the experts I listened to knew even less.
One great thing about getting older is I don't have to be right, and if I think you are wrong I don't have to tell you about it.  I don't have to be right...
All those rules, all those hoops I jumped through, all the parenting books, marriage books, diet books, exercise books.......all the millions of self help books.....turns out the best advice was.....

"Go to bed at 10 and get up at 6 and let the day take care of itself"  Gordon B. Hinckley